Ever since I started at college, I’d had my heart set on this one study abroad program offered. Basically, Emerson owns a castle in Limburg, the Netherlands, where students live and study for a semester. It’s just as strange and simultaneously magical as you’d imagine.
So naturally I applied my Sophomore year for the Spring semester my Junior year. It was far enough ahead that I told myself I could worry about it when it got closer to the time—it was a whole year away, after all! I had plenty of time to figure it out.
But when I got the list of people attending, I read through it and didn’t know a single name, which filled me with utter, unbridled dread. I’d be doing a semester with strangers– completely starting over and far from any familiarity I had with school back in Boston. The fall before I left I started thinking about dropping out. The thought of boarding a plane with a bunch of strangers sent this paralyzing fear through me, and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to deal with it all. But I was also thinking I’d never be able to do this again in my life. It was a one-time opportunity.
So I decided to go through with it, because I knew I’d be pissed at myself if I didn’t. How could I let my anxiety win over me like that, and steal away yet another opportunity presented to me?
The first week abroad was just like orientation Freshman year—everyone rushing to make friends. A lot of people knew each other already too, and had established dynamics—both good and bad ones. It’s a small liberal arts college, you can imagine how it is.
I decided this time I’d hang back a bit. I’d take it a bit slower, even if that meant I wasn’t as “successful” as I wanted to be in making friends.
I realized while over there that I needed to stop thinking about other people and focus on myself. So that’s what I did. Those first few weeks I was in the library by myself until 2 or 3 in the morning every day. I sat there until the night watch came through and asked me to turn off the lights when I was done. For some reason, those are the memories that stick with me after coming home.
I decided in that first week that if I had one friend who I could eat some meals with and go on some trips with, that was enough. And I had made one, someone I sat next to on the plane. As time went on, I naturally found more people. It’s easier to find friends who suit you when you aren’t desperately seeking them out, bending over backwards to try and make them like you. It’s better to take things at your own pace.
In short, these three months abroad were the most fun of my life. Equally as stressful, too, but I’d go back and do it again in a heartbeat. The way you learn about yourself in unfamiliar situations and locations is something that you just have to experience (even if it’s not studying abroad, just going elsewhere and seeing other ways of living—it’s so important). Even if moving around and changing scenes feels overwhelming at times, pushing through that initial fear can be the most rewarding thing in the world. You just have to be wary of your limits and listen to yourself, your body, and your brain. That’s also something I learned while I was abroad. To know when to back out. When my spoons get too full. When to be brave and say “I quit, this is too much for me right now.” It’s a fine line that I’m learning to walk.
By: Meg Carey
Meg Carey is studying creative writing and publishing at Emerson College in Boston. They love reading and writing sci-fi, horror, and romance (bonus points if it’s all three), as well as poetry. You can find them on instagram @megcareywrites, and substack @megcarey.
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