Kept you waiting, huh?

Initially I was planning to being this review by simply refusing to acknowledge that I hadn’t posted a single review in over half a year, and hoping people would recognize that was the joke. But then I realized that simply wouldn’t be sufficient. After all, the last entries before my disappearance both contained some sort of parodical explanation for my previous absences. Furthermore, I’m not even the review guy here anymore. They got someone new who actually knows how to read a schedule, and there’s a good chance anyone who followed my original series assumed I’d been devoured by piranhas months ago. So I think I have to admit the truth: I’ve been out for quite a while.

I’m not going to tell you why, though. We’re not friends. I’ve never even met you. You don’t get some sort of unique insight into my personal life. That information is between me, my therapist, and my deep-seated trauma.

Speaking of deep-seated traumas, this is actually the third time I’ve tried to do a review of The Bean. The previous two failed because it turns out there are a lot of coffee shops named The Bean. They’re all owned by the same people but the one I was specifically supposed to review was the Broadway one/ I should have looked on the coupon.

The Bean isn’t a resteraunt, and it’ll tell you that. It’s a coffee shop that prides itself on smoothies and happens to have a bit of food. I treat it like a resteraunt only because that’s what it says in the name of the article. The atmosphere is pretty typical inviting coffee shop stuff, but welcoming even if the chairs are a little small.

For the obligatory food part of the meal I ordered the spinach quiche. I had never eaten quiche before but it looked nice. The cheese was very fluffy and flavorful, and the spinach tasted like spinach, which is nice if you’re someone like me who likes spinach. The crust was somewhat doughier than I expected, though I’m not sure why I expected anything since this was my first time ever actually eating quiche.

Even though this was a coffee place, I didn’t order coffee because my sister drinks too much coffee for both of us. I got the banana smoothie with peanut butter chocolate protein powder instead because I eat too much chocolate for both of us. I was initially very confused as to why the smoothie was pink, but I quickly realized the cause when I started drinking and realized it tasted not just like bananas and peanut butter, but also strawberries. Actually I couldn’t taste the chocolate at all, but it was obviously present in the form of black specks and the smoothie tasted great anyway so I can’t complain.

I also ordered a brownie due to my aforementioned chocolate issue. I was not a given a brownie. A brownie contains flour and has a doughy texture. This was fudge. Fortunately it tasted great and I love fudge anyway.

Verdict: 7/10 Absent Interns

Since the last few times I said I’d do these more regularly came right before increasingly longs gaps, I will reverse the effect by promising to vanish into the luminiferous aether.

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By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

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