I had planned to interview either a friendship coach like Danielle Bayard Jackson, a female empowerment coach (which I never knew was a thing before conducting this research), or a feminist theorist/academic like Dr. Bec Wonders for this final chapter. An interview with either of these professionals would have helped me better tackle heavy subjects like the female happiness paradox, female friendships, and other issues related to modern womanhood. These are topics I had to include here because college is an institution that takes women out of the home, which is very significant for women’s freedom. It was hard finding someone who fit the profile of who I wanted to interview while overcoming scheduling conflicts. But I will dive into these topics the best way I know how.
Choice is essentially at the root of what feminism is about. However, not everyone—especially not every woman—has the same degree of choice as the other. There are many women, especially those marginalized, who are forced to make constrained choices because of social, cultural, familial, political, and economic pressures. It is even important to note that while many women from Western cultures experience more choice than those from Eastern cultures, that doesn’t necessarily mean the choices available to Western women will automatically grant them happiness and fulfillment considering the pressures modern women have to work more than previous decades.
All women will fall somewhere within the “free choice-constrained choice” debate, for which one paper offers a third view—“satisficing”; this being when specifically women make a choice that may not be preferable but is good enough depending on unique personal circumstances (though not used in other sources, I use “free choice” instead of “choice” to be more specific). I may not want to admit it to myself, but I feel I might have been making more constrained choices than “satisficing” ones. The only free choice I would consider I have ever made would be going to college since I always wanted to go since senior year of high school—though my parents expected me to go too.
This subject for women is often fraught with shame, guilt, and regret because women feel pressured to make the “right” choice. But only anti-feminists believe there is such a thing as the “right” choice for a woman. Ultimately, no one has the right to tell another what kind of life they should live. And even if any woman ultimately makes a choice that is wrong for them personally, life is still meant to explore whatever options are disposable and appreciate the lessons that come with it anyways.
Additionally, our lives are made for multiple choices and not just one. I myself have felt regret for rejecting many men who were in some way interested in me because I didn’t want the “death sentence” of singlehood to be my fate as a woman. It wasn’t until I realized the pressure I felt to get married and have children was ironically a way of affording the possibility of moving into my own apartment. Marriage might have been a temporary solution towards my goal of financial stability, but there always seemed to be a trade-off lurking in the shadows (e.g., dual income replaced with unequal domestic labor in long-term partnerships).
Similarly, I felt regret when I quit a dream internship because it being fully remote was making it more difficult to manage the boundaries between work and my family. After a while, I realized that my peace of mind was much greater than any career regrets. I would rather work a tolerable in-person job to a fully-remote job I liked because the latter required more out of me emotionally and physically. Having been on both sides of the choice paradox fence, I felt like I was sacrificing too much. Though, I can’t say I am not grateful for these experiences because they redirected my energy towards more sustainable options.
While the female happiness paradox (though, I prefer to call it the “woman’s choice paradox”) tells us that women are under a lot more stress because of the constrained or satisficing choices we have to make, there are still ways for women to create more or better choices for themselves in an increasingly anti-woman political landscape. It may seem ironic that I hold a very optimistic view about women’s gains—not just in the West—while talking about the limits on women’s choice. On the other hand, it is important to recognize that freedom is a lifetime pursuit under capitalism; and many of us can find freedom to varying degrees depending on the path(s) we take.
One way women can create more or better choices is to keep their friendships with other women close. Though there are many obstacles that stand in the way of female friendships keeping strong as cited by Dr. Bec Wonders, women still make great efforts to maintain a support network; actually, college-educated women are more likely than college-educated men to have a close friend at work. The second way towards more choice is attending networking events, meetups, or social events for women such as the Women’s Connection Summit led by Danielle Bayard Jackson, and/or social clubs where mostly women are likely to be in attendance. The last way towards more choice is to take inspiration from and highlight other women’s work, especially those who you would want to work with in the future. By continuously reaching out to other women, you can learn from them, create awareness of necessary and impactful work, and likely develop bonds that will last a lifetime. Connection creates abundance, of course.
Image Credit: https://unsplash.com/photos/two-women-standing-next-to-each-other-in-front-of-a-white-wall-OUxbYsnmPJI
By Daeli Vargas
Daeli is a recent graduate from the City College of New York with a BA in English and a publishing certificate. She is from the Bronx and is very passionate about all things literary. She hopes one day to publish many books of her own and share her passions worldwide.
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