Three thousand miles away, and my ghosts still haunt me. Why? I am no longer surrounded by the known and discovered places of my youth: the place on his chest, the coffee shop I tried not to cry in, the kitchen resounding with yelling or deafening silence. It has all changed, and yet nothing has.

For years, I thought leaving my hometown meant my past would be shed like a too-tight sweater. But instead, I yank at the collar, trying to breathe. I stretch the sleeves and tear holes with shaking fingers. I try and try to take it off. I even cover it with new clothes, but nothing fits, and it hurts too much. 

Why won’t it come off? Why can’t I leave it all behind? Why has distance done nothing but muffle the sounds of my pain? And why do I want to escape in the first place? 

Escapism is often a means to evade difficult emotions or feelings. When life is hard, it is easier to dive into the next TV show, delve into imagined worlds, and drown out the noise with blaring music. But does anything change? 

According to an article by Welldoing titled “Why Escapism Can Be Harmful,” escapism “prevents us from doing what we want to do to improve” our circumstances. By focusing on leaving my hometown, I, in turn, chose not to change or let go of my relationships. Now, I realize I am still held in the grip of my past. 

How do we recognize when we want to escape? 

1. Check in with yourself. Are emotions coming up that you want to ignore? Do you imagine your friend or partner as an idealized version of themselves instead of telling them what is wrong? 

2. Recognize when you have the urge to escape. Why are you gravitating towards binge-watching a TV show, maladaptive daydreaming, or scrolling through social media? It may not always be due to a negative occurrence, but it’s important to make sure. 

My unresolved feelings regarding my past beg the question: did I leave because Boston was where I wanted to go or because I was running away from my past? Either way, I am here. My past is not going away. And somehow, in some way, it is time to make peace with it. 

Molly Peay is pursuing her BA in Writing, Literature, and Publishing from Emerson College in Boston. She is a transfer student who graduated from a JC with an English Associate’s Degree and a General Studies Associate with an emphasis in Culture and Communication. She is passionate about leadership, advocacy, writing, and sharing new voices through art.

If you read my previous chapter on letting your freak flag fly, you may be a little skeptical. How much “weirdness,” you ask, are some people willing to accept until they stop wanting to be your friend? The sad reality is that folks often enjoy “weirdness” or “quirkiness”  within very limited parameters. 

Let me explain myself a bit further. We see a lot of this attitude when it comes to neurodivergency. Of course, there’s nothing inherently “weird” or “quirky” about being neurodivergent. But a lot of times, the acceptance of these identities only extends as far as they can fit into such innocuous labels. Someone with ADHD is “quirky” when they forget to eat lunch, or “funny” because they speak without a filter. But if their ADHD causes them to forget an important birthday, or be a bit too candid in one moment, they’re no longer seen as quirky and funny, but hurtful and rude. If someone with autism rants about their special interest, it can be endearing — until the person they’re with thinks they’ve gone on for “too long,” or shouldn’t visibly self-stimulate while talking. Oftentimes, people with these identities feel they can only be the marketable versions of themselves — weird without being too weird, quirky without crossing a line that is not visible until it’s already been crossed. 

Sometimes, this limit on “weirdness” (or, I should say, divergence from the norm) ends where someone’s actions  cause harm to others. Of course, forgetting someone’s birthday is hurtful, whether the person who forgot had ADHD or not. But more often than not, there’s simply nothing wrong with a lot of behavior we deem as weird or deviant — such as stimming in public.

None of this is comforting to hear if you’re “weird” — though if you are, you likely already know this on some level, and have modified your behavior as a result. But maybe you’re itching to act in a way that feels more true to yourself. Maybe your brain simply works differently from the people around you, and you’re tired of acting like it doesn’t. Maybe you’d like to present yourself in a way that isn’t expected for someone of your age, gender, sexual orientation, and so on, but you’re afraid of the way others will respond. 

So, you want to radically change your outward identity or self-expression, but can’t turn off the part of your brain that wants to be “normal” in front of your peers.  Perhaps it’s best to start by looking inwards, and interrogating how you respond to what you perceive as “weird” behavior in others. When you find yourself judging someone else for acting abnormally, ask yourself: is this actually hurting me on some level, or is it just something I don’t personally like, or have been conditioned to find off-putting? You should apply this assessment to anyone who acts outside norms of gender, sexuality, or general “proper” behavior. You may come to realize that the person stimming in public is not harming you. The guy who likes to wear skirts to your 8 AM chemistry lab is not harming you. The girl who refuses to shave her legs is not harming you. You may learn that nobody has to live their life in a way that you personally find attractive or appealing. If you want to live in a world where your “weird” behavior has a place, you need to start by making one yourself. 

You must interrogate the cop in your head who polices others for being “weird,” so that you can stop policing that same behavior in yourself. In other words, by being less judgmental of others, you’re also letting go of the person you imagine judging you for simply existing as you please. Remember: as long as you’re not harming anyone else, you are doing nothing wrong.

I know this might seem ironic, since I’ve spent a lot of time detailing strategies for making friends. Doesn’t this necessarily require caring what others think? Well, not exactly. While it’s good to be generally polite to others, you are not trying to be friends with everyone — especially people who do not have respect for your hobbies, interests, or vital parts of your identity. Whether you go to a campus or commuter school, there are plenty of clubs and organizations that you can join if you want to express yourself in a non-judgemental environment, apart from the general student population. And if the club you’re looking for doesn’t exist, you can start one!

I won’t lie. There will still be some people who judge you, even though you’re doing nothing wrong. But you can choose not to let that judgment define you. For every person who judges you, there will be others who accept you. You cannot please everyone, and anything worth doing will be hated by at least someone.

By Renee Ricevuto

Renee Ricevuto is pursuing a double major in English and Music at Hunter College, along with a certificate from the Thomas Hunter Honors Program. She has published her work at the University of Chicago’s Harper Review and received writing awards at her institution. She’s currently working on a research project with the Mellon Public Humanities and Social Justice Scholarship Program. When she’s not writing or researching, she loves to read, draw, sing, and embroider.

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