I have always been waiting for my happy ending. Yet, it is just that: an ending. I am twenty years old, quietly anticipating the montage at the end of the movie: the one where the best friends hug, the lovers kiss, or the main character finally sees the world. But, what about the before? The inbetween?
When I lived in LA, I could not stop thinking about Boston. From sixteen to nineteen, I felt pulled to the city. I dreamed of shedding my past, losing who I once was, and stepping fully into my authentic self. I felt deep in my bones that Boston was the catalyst. There was a story written for me here, and I had to go read it.
Now that I am here, though, I am presented with one big, fat in-my-face problem. I am scared of change. I like to think I am a mature enough person who doesn’t get freaked out by a six-letter word. In truth, however, I find myself struggling in its grasp, unsure of how to proceed.
How do I be my most authentic self when I am so scared of change? The simplest yet most complicated answer is habits. Our habits dictate who we are. Once we learn a habit, it is hard to forget it. To become our most authentic selves—whoever we decide that is—we must shed not only the fear of change but our habits too.
In the book Atomic Habits by James Clear, there are four laws of behavior change to create better habits and to break an unwanted habit (it is important to not categorize anything as bad or good, as it hinders the ability to reinforce or get rid of the habit).
To create a better habit, Clear writers that we have to: “(1) make (the cue) obvious, (2) make (the craving) attractive, (3) make (the response) easy, and (4) make (the reward) satisfying,” (55). When I was reading Atomic Habits, I placed the book on top of my bed every morning (making the cue obvious). Next, I held onto why I desired to read the book, which made the craving attractive. Thirdly, I set a goal of reading one chapter before bed each night; this was about ten pages. Lastly, I rewarded myself by reading a cheesy romance novel or doing a different, more relaxing activity afterward.
On the other hand, to break an unwanted habit, Clear states that we have to “make (the cue) invisible,” the craving unattractive, the response difficult, and the reward unsatisfying (54). When I want to study, I put my phone in one of my desk drawers (making the cue invisible). I also make sure it is on Do Not Disturb with the ringer off. Then, I make the craving unattractive by making my work environment more attractive: music on my computer, hot tea, comfy clothes, and good snacks. Thirdly, I make the response even more difficult; (placing it in a desk drawer makes the cue invisible and the response difficult). I add screen time locks to apps, and if I really want to pay attention to something, I may delete an app altogether. To make the reward unsatisfying, I remind myself of all the other things I would rather do than scroll on my phone, or how scrolling on my phone has wasted my time in the past causing me to fall behind on assignments.
By using this formula we can break the habit loop (cue, craving, response, reward). Habit loop: we receive a cue from a specific time, location, smell, or other trigger, and receive a craving to complete an action based on that cue. We respond and we receive a reward (like dopamine).
How does this relate to overcoming a fear of change?
Sometimes we change without knowing it. We naturally grow as we get older with little conscious effort. However, we can also take a more practical approach to get past our fear and show up authentically. Changing our habits allows us to incrementally become the person we want to be.
The first step is becoming aware of our habits. The next step is to implement intentions to change the habit (I will do x when the y situation arises). Then, we can start to break the unwanted habit or implement a desired habit using the formula above. However, according to James Clear, “the most effective way to change your habits is to focus not on what you want to achieve, but on who you wish to become,” (41).
The Power of Visualization:
One of my most recommended books is Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Dr. Joe Dispenza. The book dives into the neuroscience of visualization and how we can use it to break free from our past selves, including our fear.
One of the methods Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about is imagining ourselves completing the actions we want to take or wish we would have taken. For example, there have been situations in my life where I wish I stood up for myself, but I didn’t. The memories made me feel disempowered like I would never be able to stand up for myself in the future. So, I meditated on one of those memories. I remembered the feelings, environment, and scenario. Then, instead of letting the memory play out as it usually does, I visualized how I wish I would have responded: standing up for myself respectfully yet assertively. The memory has had less of a grip on me since, and I feel more empowered to stand up for myself in real life.
When visualizing or meditating, we can often get intrusive thoughts. The key is to not engage with them. I like to think of myself standing in a room. Each thought is a bubble that passes through the room. My job, however, is to not touch the bubbles as they pass by me. In other words, we will always have thoughts in our head, but we do not need to engage with each of them, or any of them, especially when meditating.
It is important to have balance, to not get caught up in visualizing what we want to be and what we wish we did. A good way to ground ourselves in reality is to set a time limit. Whether this is an hour-long meditation, or simply while washing the dishes or showering—remind yourself to be in the moment.
Between all of these practical approaches, we also need to accept and acknowledge our fear of change and feel it. We are unable to take any steps forward if we do not feel our emotions whenever they may arise. As mentioned, balance is key. We need to make sure we do not obsess over our perceived failures. Sometimes, saying out loud “I made a mistake and I am not happy about it,” taking a deep breath and choosing not to engage in those loud thoughts can really allow you to move forward unimpeded by feeling overwhelmed.
Day by day, I am working on becoming my most authentic self. I change my actions, I take on new experiences, and I learn with compassion. Each day, my understanding of myself, my wants, my desires, my dreams, and of course, my dislikes, grows. Each day, I step into that main-character energy and bask in all that life has to offer.
Molly Peay is pursuing her BA in Writing, Literature, and Publishing from Emerson College in Boston. She is a transfer student who graduated from a JC with an English Associate’s Degree and a General Studies Associate with an emphasis in Culture and Communication. She is passionate about leadership, advocacy, writing, and sharing new voices through art.
