Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 5: Dairy

Friday, April 9th, 2021

I have had zero positive experiences with cooking dairy at school. This isn’t to say that I dislike dairy or that I can’t make food involving it—I eat cereal with milk and out cheese in sandwiches. Sometimes I even just eat slices of cheese straight out of the package like the absolute barbarian I am. It’s just that any time I try to use milk in conjunction with heat, unspeakable horrors occur. My most successful lactiferous endeavor has been with macaroni and cheese, and that’s stretching it. Normally I would explain how to make the food in question here but anybody who doesn’t know how to make mac and cheese from a box probably shouldn’t be allowed to cook in the first place so I’ll just cut to the chase and say that the cheese somehow always ends up splattered over both the microwave and my shirt, which you’d think would be mutually exclusive. Ultimately it was still edible though. The real issue I have is the quesadilla.

The quesadilla is another food that my family can all prepare better than me, but normally I get around it by rebranding it as a “quasi-dilla” because my love of terrible puns is far greater than my self loathing at not being able to master basic life skills. I can make pretty good quasi-dillas normally, too—it’s a simple process. Just oil the pan, put the cheese on top of the tortilla, fry until the cheese is melted, then fold it in half and eat. (You can throw little bacon in there while it’s cooking for extra flavor and an increased chance of rectal cancer later in life.) at least that’s how it works anywhere either than in my room. When I try it in my room it takes so long for the cheese to melt that the entire tortilla has invariably shriveled into an inedible black crisp. I have no idea what variable causes this as I can’t reproduce any other result.

A similar problem occurs with grilled cheese. I either butter the bread before putting it on the pan and the same thing happens as with the quasi-dilla, or I don’t and the bread becomes burnt on the outside and raw on the inside which is actually worse. Yes, I tasted it. No, I don’t know why. I think the problem might have something to do with my stove, it has no numbers for the temperature settings and food always seems to take longer to cook than the receipt says it should. At the same time, I’m not sure why cheese is such a problem, considering most of the other food I cook on the stove turns out all right. The microwave problem I can understand; every single time I put a liquid in there it acts like a volcano on viagra. But the stove just seems to have it out for cheese specifically. It would be really annoying if there wasn’t a pizza place right down the block. Ahhh, New York.


Some people classify eggs as dairy, but those people are crazy. It doesn’t even come from a cow. Eggs will be covered in the meat section. Except I already wrote the meat section, so I guess anybody who wanted egg stories is shit out of luck.


By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.



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The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 4: Eating Out

Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

The Covid Cooking Club

Chapter 4: Eating out

An empty restaurant, like it should be.

Don’t! There’s still a pandemic going on, remember?

https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4019

By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 3: Vegetables

Wednesday, March 24th, 2021

The Covid Cooking Club

Chapter 3: Vegetables

How to Grow Cabbage In Easy Steps
A picture of a delicious cabbage. At least I think it’s delicious, I’ve never cooked cabbage. Hell, I don’t remember if I’ve ever even eaten the stuff.

Vegetables are the things your parents told you to eat when you were kids, and you either ignored them completely or complied entirely out of fear. The fact that we must be forcibly conditioned to consume boring green stuff is evolution’s fault, as we have become a sedentary society without our bodies ever adapting to the fact that if we want to eat we no longer have to chase down a gazelle on foot and beat it to death with a rock. Thus, I must consume at least some vegetables if I don’t want to devolve into a quivering mass of immobile gelatin, which would be extremely inconvenient as it would deprive me of the manual dexterity required to build the plastic model robots that have been my closest friend during the current crisis. The vegetable I eat most often is celery, not because it tastes good or has any nutritional value aside from fiber but because it doesn’t need to be cooked, just washed. The fact that it has zero calories makes it attractive to me since it means I can waste the space on something else later, but I almost always end up dipping it in hummus to give it some actual flavor and thereby defeating the entire point. My favorite cooked vegetable might be spinach, which I literally never make. This is partially because it’s another food my family makes a lot better than me, and partially because you can buy ten pounds of spinach at the store, cook it up, and wind up with half an ounce. Obviously that’s an exaggeration but I only have so much fridge space and spinach takes up too much of it. Normally the vegetables I prepare the most are green beans and broccoli. These are also both foods I associate with my parents, but I can make them in a way that doesn’t totally embarrass me. I make broccoli more rarely because of two reasons. The first is that it just takes much longer to boil in water, and I don’t trust myself to fry it, so boiling green beans is just more efficient. The second is that ever since I was young I’ve had this weird thing where I only eat the buds of the broccoli, not the stem. I think it has to do with little baby me believing that broccoli was just tiny trees or something, but either way I end up not eating half of the broccoli and that’s just wasteful. It does make it easier to prepare though; to make green beans you need to individually slice the tips off each bean while with broccoli you can just break a piece off the stalk and wash it. Generally I eat vegetables separate from my actual meals, because as previously mentioned in the first chapter my pot is much bigger than the stovetop itself so I can’t really have another thing cooking at the same time. This also means that a lot of the time when I’m feeling pressed for time I just skip vegetables entirely, which would definitely be a bad idea if I considered the future consequences of my actions beyond wildly unrealistic scenarios like turning into a lump of fat who can’t build robot toys. I’m sure the fact that I eat vegetable at all puts me ahead of many, and so by the time I become like unto the blob people from Wall-E there will have already been innovations by the manufacturer which make the model kits able to be assembled the fingers the size of drain pipes.

https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4032
Don’t make my mistakes! Save yourself with healthy food before it’s too late!

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By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 2: Meat

Wednesday, March 17th, 2021

The Covid Cooking Club

How To Cook Steak In The Oven - Best Perfect Oven-Steak Recipe
A generic picture of steak. Mine actually looks kind of like this, but less tasty.

Chapter 2: Meat

Meat. The manliest of all foods, according to people who don’t understand how chemicals work and think eating soy will invert their gender. I don’t think eating meat will make me any less of a wimp, but it’s filling and tastes good. The meat I eat the most is canned tuna fish, because it’s cheap and requires zero preparation aside from opening the can and chowing down—though sometimes I drink the fish oil first like some sort of absolute barbarian. The problem with tuna is that it makes your whole room smell like fish. I don’t find it that irritating, considering the other things my room could smell like. Sometimes I mash it up with a fork and mix it with mayonnaise to make tuna salad, but my most successful attempt has been boiling it in oil with garlic and parsley to create a less messy pasta sauce (which wasn’t in last week’s article because I did it this Wednesday).

I call it Pasta Ala Xander, because I like making puns more than I like names that don’t suck.

I’ve cooked whole fish as well, covering it in flour and frying it in oil on a pan. The result is a relatively bland white mean that falls apart faster than a South American republic that refuses to export bananas to the US in the early 20th century when touched with a fork. I could probably get more flavor out of white meat by cooking chicken, but I’m also scared shitless by anything involving raw chicken. I’m a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to food—though not enough to wash my hands for the full recommended duration each time when cooking—so whenever I try to cook chicken it ends up getting totally burned because otherwise I won’t touch it for fear of contracting salmonella. In theory, I have more success with red meat. I can cook sausages okay, since I just need to cover them in oil and pan fry them. The real issue here is steak. I love steak, and I’m not terrible at making it. The trick is to add a completely excessive amount of salt and pepper on both sides to build up a big crust, then fry each side in oil until it looks like it’s burned. It ends up being too crispy on the outside and too soft on the inside, but it’s still tasty. At least it would be if I didn’t keep comparing it to my dad’s steaks. Honestly, I’m probably the worst cook in my immediate family. My sister is a naturally gifted cook, and my mom and dad have essentially been trying to one-up each other in cooking skills since their divorce. I’ve only just started trying to make food since last March when going outside became the equivalent of taping an “eviscerate my lungs” sign to your back. So even when I enjoy the steak, it just reminds me of how crappy of a cook I am compared to the rest of my family. That still doesn’t stop me from making it, it just means that once every few weeks I subject myself to feelings of deep inadequacy in exchange for a burst of cholesterol. There have been worse tradeoffs in history.

https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4026

Click below to get access to and redeem all Campus Clipper Coupons; coupons are updated weekly


By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 1: Pasta

Tuesday, March 9th, 2021

The Covid Cooking Club

Do cooks have to wear masks?
A very professional-looking chef, who is definitely not me.

Introduction

With the current pandemic making venturing outside your room an act equivalent of walking across the street blindfolded, it is more important than ever that college students learn how to effectively prepare food on their own in order to decrease the possibility of getting permanent lung damage without even experiencing the questionable joy of nicotine. Ideally, this information would be given by a professional chef or at the very least someone with any sort of culinary talent. Instead you’re going to be getting it from a conked-out liberal arts student whose only knowledge of gastronomy comes from how far his head is up his own ass. God help you.

Chapter 1: Pasta

Homemade Marinara Sauce Recipe - Cooking Classy
A delicious and generic plate of pasta with red sauce, made by someone who also is not me.

Pasta. It’s the classic college food for a reason: that reason being most college students are deeply in debt and can’t actually afford anything else. (If only there was some sort of magazine that offered discounts on food products to help them out! But such a radical idea could never come to pass.) The humble cup of ramen has become an icon among undergraduates less for any inherent nutritional or taste value and more for being their best hope of avoiding complete bankruptcy long enough for their debt holders to be lined up against the wall and shot during the inevitable populist uprising. As someone who has the prospect of postgraduate financial stability through an accident of birth, I am not obligated to prostrate myself before the rapacious god that is instant ramen. This has the practical result of the pasta I make being named in Italian instead of Japanese. Pasta has a long and storied history, most of which can be condensed down into “it’s easy to make and tastes okay.” The cooking setup in my dorm consists of a microwave and a gas stove with two cookers with enough room for exactly 1.5 pots, so ease of preparation is appreciated. Also, I’m very lazy. All anyone needs to prepare pasta is a pot, some water, some salt, and a stirring implement. Put the water, salt, and pasta (preferably but technically not necessarily in that order) in the pot, and then boil until it is ready. After an amount of time totally unrelated to whatever it says on the packaging, the pasta will be ready. This can be tested by eating some of it and seeing if it triggers your gag reflex; other testing methods exist but they all sound as if they were dreamt up by lunatics. This will give you something that is edible. Making something good will require a lot more thought and I am not sure if I am actually up to the task. Sure, I enjoy a lot of the pasta I make, but that’s because I like my food to be as carbohydrate-dense as my writing is linguistically dense, not because I achieved any great success in preparing it. My most frequent failure occurs early. The pasta I prepare most commonly is spaghetti, because I have fond memories of eating it as a kid. I probably ate other pasta as a kid, but spaghetti is the only one I remember. It’s also a terrible choice since I inevitably put too much in, then stir too hard before it gets soft, causing the noodles to snap into pieces and defeat the entire point. I usually have better luck with tortellini and macaroni, yet I make them less because I apparently value nostalgia over competence. Fortunately, any pasta can be saved through use of a good sauce. Unfortunately, I am both too lethargic and too ill-informed to make any so I always use canned sauce from the store (or from my parents when I can swipe some off them). I eat mostly red sauce, which inevitably burns and creates an incredibly annoying brown crust on the pot whenever I try to heat it up. There are many instances where I nearly surrender to the dishes instead of cleaning them, and 75% of those come from red sauce. At least it usually tastes decent, though I somehow managed to always spill some on my shirt. Good pasta ultimately requires good sauce, and not having any saucing skill I am utterly unqualified to instruct anyone in its creation. And let’s be honest, you could figure out how to make it adequately without me telling you.

https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4023

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By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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How To Make Friends

Tuesday, June 13th, 2017

 

Image Credit: www.instagram.com/thecarolineflynn/

Image Credit: www.instagram.com/thecarolineflynn/

 

You’ve done it. You’ve mastered eating at the dining hall alone, finding your way around without relying on other people, and taking your own notes in class and remembering all the homework. You don’t just walk through the city streets with a confident and independent air, you jaywalk out into the open road, fearlessly taking on whatever the taxicabs have coming. And now, it’s time. Time for the next step. Time to text the classmate you’ve been crushing on in Writing for College. Time to tell your roommates you actually hate their friends and this weekend you’ll make your own plans. Time to put down the high school group message and talk to your budding friends here face-to-face.

I know it’s not easy. Thankfully, most people show up to college for the first time in the same boat as you, knowing practically no one. If you can keep this in mind, then you are on your way to creating some of the best and longest lasting friendships you’ve ever had. Here are a few more tips to get you started.

 

1. Choose Your Victim

I know you know exactly who you’d be best friends with if you could. The dream friend. That person in class who says what you’re thinking. When they DJ at a party your playlists are specifically similar. And what’s that? They also plan their meals around which dining hall is offering the most carbs? Wow. A match made in heaven. Be careful, though. Sometimes you think your victim friend will be this one person and it turns out you just have a huge girl crush on them and you will never actually see yourself on their level. This will be fun but will not work out (totally not speaking from experience…). Or maybe you think your victim might as well be that kid you had lunch with a few times when no one else was free. NO. Go for gold. Friends are important people and you must be extremely picky when choosing a victim. (But remember, be extremely nice. To everyone. Regardless of their friend-level to you. And also be nice to yourself when choosing your friends.)

 

2. The Millennial Step

25 years ago when your parents were in school they would have to skip straight to Step 3. Luckily, we have more options. Once you have your victim, stalk them thoroughly on every social media account they own. Make careful note of your mutual friends on Facebook. If their Instagram is blocked, talk to them about something trivial in class for long enough so that when you request to follow them 3 hours and 41 minutes later it seems totally casual. During this same conversation, it’s vital that you also get their Snapchat and phone number. This way you can see who your competition is and when they are alone or have no plans. This is when you will strike.

(You can of course skip this step if you think social media, oversharing, and instant access to information are ruining our generation’s communication skills along with much of the world.)

 

3. Make Plans

Ok, so you’ve laid all the ground work. Now it’s time to make your move. Invite your Best-Friend-To-Be to a casual lunch or late night snack. And much like dating, be prepared to ask them about themselves! Get them talking and your conversation will run all night long. If you need some icebreakers, here are a few to get you started.

  • A time you got lost in NYC/the subway broke down/Uber failed you
  • Your recent Netflix Binge
  • Any story about a bad Ex
  • Any story about a bad roommate

 

4. Sunlight & Water

Congratulations! You put yourself out there! Call your Mom, give yourself a high five, and continue to cultivate this new connection. Try some cool restaurants in the area, go to a museum, treat yourself to the spa, and above all use your Campus Clipper coupons to save you and your new friend money. Suddenly, New York City won’t seem quite as big with someone who is equally as lost as you by your side. And you’ll find that as you begin to get one good friendship under your belt, others will fall into place too.

 

Where are you going to go with these new friends? Well you could try the Brazen Fox, a great restaurant right near Union Square serving delicious American Fare and cold drinks. This two story restaurant is charming and well-priced with some cool wall décor you’ll want to see for yourself.  And don’t forget to use your Campus Clipper Coupon and get 10% off of your meal!

Image Credit: campusclipper.com

Image Credit: campusclipper.com

 


 

By Caroline Flynn

Caroline Flynn is a Sales and Publishing Intern at the Campus Clipper studying Theatre at NYU Tisch. Caroline is passionate about the arts and dedicated to using her voice to make other people smile. As she heads into her Junior year, she is excited to be writing about how relationships have shaped her life while she takes on summer in the city for the first time. 

We have the most talented interns ever and we’re so proud of them! For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourage them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015. 

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