Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Re:Rapid Revival Resteraunt Review Returns Reinvigorated: Tony’s Pizza

Monday, November 7th, 2022

At long last, I actually managed to get the images working! Only took me three months and an entire election cycle… anyway, Tony’s Pizza!

Who is Tony, and why does he make the pizza? The world may never know for sure. But the pizza is good so I’m glad he did. He also happened to put his pizza place right across from my favorite burger joint but I’m not supposed to talk about that one.

The Resteraunt is small and somewhat cramped with extremely tall chairs, but you’re supposed to eat outside and the tables are nice.

They didn’t have plain pepperoni, but they did have pepperoni and sausage and at the end of the day sausage is just thicker pepperoni. Speaking of thicker, the cheese here is much thicker than your regular pizza cheese. There’s like three times as much of it as sauce, which is fine if you like cheese (I like cheese). The pepperoni is average but the sausage is very tasty, though somewhat spicy.

There were also pepperoni rolls. Honestly I’d say they’re average. They were served scalding hot, and once they’d cooled down enough for me to bite I noticed the bottoms were far too crispy to be called a “roll”.

Verdict: 7.4 Functional Image Links

Also remember to vote tomorrow!


By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.


For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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Rapid Revival Restaurant Review Returns Reinvigorated: Marinara Pizza

Tuesday, August 9th, 2022
MARINARA PIZZA, New York City - 1376 Lexington Ave, Carnegie Hill -  Restaurant Reviews - Order Online Food Delivery - Tripadvisor

Okay, this one’s a bit of a cheat. I had actually eaten at Marinara before I did this review. In a city full of pizza places, this is a place that has a pizza. And it’s a pretty good pizza!

But before we talk about that, we need to talk about the garlic thingies. I love these things, even though I only ever have like two of them and I’m always served five and I don’t even know what they’re really called. Regardless, the ones at Marinara are okay. They’re crunchy on the outside and doughy on the inside, which is good for biscuits but less good for these guys. At least they taste like garlic,

But the real start of the show is the pizza, which is everything you want out of New York pizza. It’s hot, it’s greasy, and it’s damn tasty. I ordered a pepperoni pizza which they didn’t have so they added pepperoni on top of a regular pizza and it tasted like it was supposed to be there. I don’t even have naything clever to say. Eat this pizza.

Verdict: 9.25/10 Unknown Foodstuff Names


By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.


For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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Rapid Revival Resteraunt Review Returns Reinvigorated: Bobwhite Counter

Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

I did in fact vanish into the luminiferous aether, but only for two months.

I love fried chicken almost as much as I love not dying of heart disease. In fact, based on my consumption of it I may actually like it a little more. Bobwhite Counter is a place designed to deliver as much fried chicken to your stomach as quickly as possible. The inside of the shop is rather spartan, but that’s because accommodation would get in the way of chicken. The outside seats are nice though.

(My images won’t load so pretend there’s a picture of chicken here)

The chicken itself is great. The breading is less crispy than expected but sticks onto the meat very well, while the actual chicken is quite good: a little spicy, but not enough to offend my vulnerable white tastebuds. It’s served with a biscuit which somehow manages to be both crunchy and doughy at the same time, which should be considered the highest biscuit-related praise.

(Same as above but with macaroni)

They also had Mac and Cheese, both of which are things I definitely RP ever over not having heart disease. It’s definitely Mac and there’s definitely cheese, in a bit of a hot and sloppy configuration that’s very tasty though also spicy enough to burn my throat while going down.

(Imagine whatever you want here, maybe some sort of pachyderm)

I was obligated to try the brownie after the Bean swindled me. I am happy to report that it is in fact an actual brownie, with all the implications that carries. It has a little too much flour, but that’s a small price to pay for authenticity.

Verdict: 9/10 Failed Image Uploads


By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.


For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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Rapid Revival Restaurant Review Returns Reinvigorated: The Bean

Friday, May 6th, 2022
Hours | The Bean NYC

Kept you waiting, huh?

Initially I was planning to being this review by simply refusing to acknowledge that I hadn’t posted a single review in over half a year, and hoping people would recognize that was the joke. But then I realized that simply wouldn’t be sufficient. After all, the last entries before my disappearance both contained some sort of parodical explanation for my previous absences. Furthermore, I’m not even the review guy here anymore. They got someone new who actually knows how to read a schedule, and there’s a good chance anyone who followed my original series assumed I’d been devoured by piranhas months ago. So I think I have to admit the truth: I’ve been out for quite a while.

I’m not going to tell you why, though. We’re not friends. I’ve never even met you. You don’t get some sort of unique insight into my personal life. That information is between me, my therapist, and my deep-seated trauma.

Speaking of deep-seated traumas, this is actually the third time I’ve tried to do a review of The Bean. The previous two failed because it turns out there are a lot of coffee shops named The Bean. They’re all owned by the same people but the one I was specifically supposed to review was the Broadway one/ I should have looked on the coupon.

The Bean isn’t a resteraunt, and it’ll tell you that. It’s a coffee shop that prides itself on smoothies and happens to have a bit of food. I treat it like a resteraunt only because that’s what it says in the name of the article. The atmosphere is pretty typical inviting coffee shop stuff, but welcoming even if the chairs are a little small.

For the obligatory food part of the meal I ordered the spinach quiche. I had never eaten quiche before but it looked nice. The cheese was very fluffy and flavorful, and the spinach tasted like spinach, which is nice if you’re someone like me who likes spinach. The crust was somewhat doughier than I expected, though I’m not sure why I expected anything since this was my first time ever actually eating quiche.

Even though this was a coffee place, I didn’t order coffee because my sister drinks too much coffee for both of us. I got the banana smoothie with peanut butter chocolate protein powder instead because I eat too much chocolate for both of us. I was initially very confused as to why the smoothie was pink, but I quickly realized the cause when I started drinking and realized it tasted not just like bananas and peanut butter, but also strawberries. Actually I couldn’t taste the chocolate at all, but it was obviously present in the form of black specks and the smoothie tasted great anyway so I can’t complain.

I also ordered a brownie due to my aforementioned chocolate issue. I was not a given a brownie. A brownie contains flour and has a doughy texture. This was fudge. Fortunately it tasted great and I love fudge anyway.

Verdict: 7/10 Absent Interns

Since the last few times I said I’d do these more regularly came right before increasingly longs gaps, I will reverse the effect by promising to vanish into the luminiferous aether.


By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.


For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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Re:Rapid Revival Restaurant Review Returns: Kyuramen

Sunday, October 31st, 2021

I bet you’re expecting some sort of comedic quip from me as to why there’s been so much time between these reviews. Your expectations are correct: I was at the top of a mountain in a ancient monastery of restaurant reviewers, trying to unlock the secret art of objective taste. Unfortunately they kicked me out when I told them their food tasted like crap.

Kyuramen is a Japanese restaurant that really makes you feel like you live in a country with a declining birth rate due to overwork. In all seriousness the presentation is great, the restaurant is big and pretty and you can get your own private little room to eat in. Definitely the best layout of any place I’ve reviewed so far. The menu was really huge so I just asked them to give me whatever seemed best.

I started with the pork bun. They went to a load of effort to write something on it in Japanese, but I have no idea what it says. If it happened to translate as “this tastes amazing” they’d be right, though. It’s a little too spicy but the pork and bun are both perfect and the sauce complements it well.

The actual ramen I had was the Tokyo Tonkotsu Shoyu, which has pork, an egg, bamboo, and some other stuff. The egg was just okay but everything else was great, the soup and noodles were very tasty and paired perfectly while the pork was tender and delicious. I didn’t like all of the other stuff, but even then it was a very good example of that stuff.

As a drink I had the Shirakabegura Tokubetsu Sake, which I have no idea if I spelled correctly. It was mild and fragrant, and felt very good going down even if I wasn’t a huge fan of the taste since I normally don’t like Sake.

Dessert was Matcha Pudding, which initially tasted like nothing until I added milk and then it tasted like sweet milk. It did have a great mouth-feel, though.

Verdict: 9.5/10 Kamen Riders

https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4043


By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.



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Rapid Revival Restaurant Review Returns: Bareburger

Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Around a month and a half ago I was visiting family in California when an improbable series of events led to me being taken hostage by deranged Larry Elder supporters. Fortunately after the results came in last night they all committed ritual suicide, so I am finally free to continue this series for the 5 people who still look for it.

Anyway, Bareburger. It’s essentially a burger restaurant for people who are too cool to eat a regular beef grease slab like the rest of the lumpenproletariat. Everything there is organic and sustainable and other adjectives that you usually wouldn’t associate with New York. The seating is very spacious and nice, and everything is made of wood because why woodn’t they.

They had a bunch of different burger recipes but none of them seemed like things I would like and creating my own would defeat the point of reviewing, so I just ordered the standard burger with a chocolate milkshake.

The hamburger was very good. The taste is a lot less strong than you’d expect from a hamburger, but not in a bad way. The different flavors complement each other nicely, and I don’t even like pickles. The fries were slightly lukewarm, but still tasty.

The milkshake’s taste was also a lot more mild than usual, being more milk than shake. What flavor there was was pleasantly tangy, and the consistency changed from thin at the top to thick at the bottom. It also looks like Mickey Mouse, and is therefore the greatest culinary invention of all time.

Verdict: 8.5/10 saved whales

https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4021

By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.



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The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 8: Dessert

Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

The Covid Cooking Club

Chapter 8: Dessert

Chocolate Cake - Preppy Kitchen
The Cake is a Lie! And other sayings from 2008.

Dessert is the least important and therefore best part of any meal. A good dessert will make up for a meal full of bland “healthy” garbage, while a bad dessert won’t really affect anything because you can just choose to not eat it. Unfortunately, I have literally no dessert-related advice to give. I was told to outline my series of blog posts before writing them, and I chose dessert as the last topic because I think I’m much funnier than I actually am. The fact that I did not actually have anything to say on the subject escaped my mind until the last moment. I figured I could buy myself some time to experiment by creating a low-effort fake chapter for last week, but after doing that I forgot about it until right now. The only dessert I know how to make with any degree of competence is cake, and I can’t actually do that because I only have an oven. Also it tells you how to make it on the box. Honestly there’s no reason to even make dessert when you live right next to a Trader Joe’s. They have these great ripoff Tim-Tams with a complicated name that I can’t actually remember because they stopped selling them. That’s a good thing because I would absolutely have given myself diabetes if I had unlimited access to them. Honestly I’ll probably end up doing that anyway, but at least it’ll be name-brand.

Looking back on it, this was a pretty stupid idea for an article series. For one thing, I’m pretty sure I’ve only genuinely contributed two recipes anyone can’t find immediately online, and one of them was literally just “put some bread in a bun.” And for people to reach those recipes they would have to put up with my exaggerated obnoxious authorial personality, which is a feat few can manage. Actually, this entire column is counterproductive to the very idea of this website since you can’t even use the coupons for home cooking. Fortunately, Andrew Cuomo agrees with me and has decided to unilaterally end the lockdown starting Wednesday, which he apparently has the power to do or something? Anyway seeing at how masterfully he managed the nursing home situation I can guarantee that we’ll all be fine, which is why I’m switching over to restaurant reviews next week. Because let’s be honest, you don’t really want to cook, do you? (“You” here refers to a genericized reader and not you as a person. Don’t feel insulted. I love you.) Cooking is messy and takes time and you usually fail. Most people who cook that aren’t professional chefs only do it because they can’t afford to eat out. The rest do it because being unable to provide for yourself is one those embarrassing social qualities that causes reasonable people to look down on you, like not washing your hands or voting Republican. In my case I do it because it’s easier than resolving my crippling sense of inferiority towards my family by actually talking to them. I’d be shocked if even a single person used any of the advice I’ve given, and I’d be even more shocked if it actually helped them in any way. If you actually enjoyed reading these, I’d like to apologzie for tricking you into wasting your time.

You should still totally read my restaurant reviews though.

https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4019

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  


At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 4.5: Eating Out, Again

Wednesday, April 28th, 2021

The Covid Cooking Club

Chapter 5: Eating Out, Again

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is 9DF07F96-8E84-46F9-A3BD-6D45D541EAC2-1024x576.jpeg
An empty restaurant, like it shouldn’t be.

I have changed my mind about eating out, it’s now perfectly okay as long as you’ve been vaccinated. I have definitely not received a large sum of money in exchange for retracting my previous view. This is totally unrelated on restaurant reviews I may be contracted to do in the future.

In all seriousness if you live in Manhattan check out Veselka ( 144 2nd Ave ) and Dim Sum Palace ( 144 2nd Ave ). Paul’s Da Burger Joint is good too if you don’t mind arterial blockage ( 131 2nd Ave ). If you ask why all the restaurants I recommend are all on the same avenue I will not hesistate to pursue legal action against you.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is 6CEF4BE3-2388-412F-89EC-878ED9172881.jpeg
https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4019
Once more, with feeling.

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 7: Soup

Wednesday, April 21st, 2021

The Covid Cooking Club

Chapter 7: Soup

Creamy Reuben Soup | 12 Tomatoes
A picture of soup. Actually it’s mostly bread, but I don’t know how to make bread.

Soup is great. Normally I’d talk about how bad I feel about my own soup and all of soup’s various flaws, but I’m not going to do that. I love soup. More accurately, I love soup as a concept. It’s like food, except you can carry it in a bottle and you can drink it all at once if you’re bored of eating and are an uncultured swine like me. Of course, to say that I actually cook soup is not actually correct. In almost 100% of the cases, I just buy it. See, my dorm is literally located right next to Trader Joe’s, and they have pretty good soup. Tomato soup, chicken soup, clam chowder, onion soup, all the good stuff. Some people say that Trader Joe’s is an unethical business for whatever reason, and they’re probably right because I don’t see how they could profit off selling stuff for such ridiculously low prices without engaging with some sort of criminal activity somewhere along the line. I’ll still happily support them, though, because whatever the hell unethical thing they’re doing directly benefits me since I can go out and buy a month’s worth of soup for ten bucks. It even comes in neat little cartons. When I don’t want to support the mining of African blood diamonds or whatever (which is almost never, I get pretty much all of my food supplies from Trader Joe’s), I generally pick up wonton soup from that one Chinese place. I don’t question what’s in the wontons so it generally works out pretty well for me. The only actual culinary preparation I have to do is microwaving the soup and maybe dipping some breadsticks or garlic crackers in it afterwards. Soup is a fairly messy food for most people what with the complex interaction between the movement of the fluid in the spoon and gravity, but I generally find it to be a lot less messy than any solid food because it just leaves a nice liquid puddle that can be cleaned up instead of ten thousand tiny crumbs that just get fucking everywhere and when you try to clean them they just get everywhere and then in a month when I’ve forgotten about them they either end up attracting swarms of ants or somehow enter me nose at night like they were conjured to life by the sorcerer’s apprentice and causing me to cough up a storm triggering my hypochondriac covid anxiety and also making me continue on this sentence for way longer than any competent editor would allow. If I’m feeling really inventive I’ll just buy broth and drop some leftover turkey chunks from my standwiches in it then heat that up. To be honest I don’t really have any substantive advice on how to prepare soup, I’m just using it as an excuse to rant about whatever I feel like. I guess that isn’t really different than the rest of these columns though.

https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4021

By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 6: Sandwiches

Friday, April 16th, 2021

The Covid Cooking Club

Chapter 6: Sandwiches

Tips for Making the Best Tuna Melt | Serious Eats
A type of sandwich decidedly inferior to my great invention.

Sandwiches are pretty great, and I’m not just saying that because they’re the one food that probably appears in all the restaurants you can get coupons for from this blog. Invented by some lazy English guy who couldn’t be bothered to put down his playing cards while eating, the humble sandwich has become one of the most ubiquitous forms of food in the modern era given how easy it is to make and eat. The sandwich’s largest benefit—the ability to be consumed in motion— has fallen by the wayside for me now that I no longer need an excuse to not leave my room, but its one-handedness still makes it easy to eat while doing something else. The fact that it’s so pathetically simple to prepare also means that it may be the one food that doesn’t make me feel totally inadequate relative to the rest of my family when eating it. Sure, they still prepared the actual ingredients on a level far beyond my feeble mortal comprehension, but the actual sandwich was just that plus bread so I can at least pretend I don’t suck. Of course, I still manage to find a way to screw things up anyway. Bits of sandwich filling always seem to be falling out of the bread, partially because I always end up holding the sandwich at an angle since my attention is usually focused on robot models but also because I just stuff whatever in there without any regard for consistency. Banana and honey sandwich? Sure. Sliced sausage with leftover ketchup? Could be worse. Peanut butter and roast turkey? Better than you’d expect. Hummus and Bolognese sauce? Actually that last one was a terrible idea and I wish I could go back in time and punch myself in the face to stop it from ever existing, buy you get the picture. While I normally try (and fail) to follow existing recipes, sandwiches are the one domain where I can “fuck around and find out” to use the vernacular. In order to accommodate these structurally disastrous innovations, I have invented an entirely new type of food: the standwich. Take a bread roll, cut off one  of the sides, and then hollow out all the fluffy stuff to create a food-pocket. Since there’s only one point of exit for the filling, the standwich can “stand” at an angle (thus justifying my horrible pun) and prevent anything on the inside from falling out. This results in a sandwich that can take much more gravitational abuse than any other, allowing it to be eaten while you perform all sorts of one handed tasks that I will not name here. Truly, I am a culinary genius. Also please don’t google “meatbread”.

https://www.campusclipper.com/new/popup1.php?CUP_COD=4018
Shawarma is a sandwich!

By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.



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