A few months ago, I wrote about how women perpetuating the patriarchy was taking a toll on me (as if it were new information). I was frustrated by the way I was being objectified by men and women alike, belittled and dumbed down into something along the lines of a rom-com side character scripted by Richard Curtis. I have lived long enough to know that when that happens, someone is simply projecting their own insecurities, but by god is it still so incredibly annoying. 

The truth is I don’t blame women, or men for that matter, for being insecure. The pressures we face today are unimaginable, and the standard of beauty and overall being is simply unattainable. If you’re not living off brand deals and traveling the world, are you really living? If you don’t have abs like Glen Powell, what kind of girl even wants you? And if you aren’t on the list of Forbes 30 Under 30, have you even found a purpose in life? It’s absurd what we compare ourselves to rather than appreciate all we’ve done. 

Societal pressure has left us all insecure at one moment or another, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. The point is how we handle that insecurity of ours. Maybe you’re insecure about your body type because the world has told you it doesn’t compare to Charlie’s Angels, but does it really make you feel better to comment “Jeez, put on some meat” under an influencer’s bikini pic? I may not blame anyone for feeling like they don’t measure up from time to time, but I will 100% blame women for putting other women down just to feel good about themselves.

According to Her Campus, “A recent social media phenomenon, the term ‘girl’s girl’ is used to describe women who support other women through every aspect of their lives, and not just the women directly in their lives either.” To be a girl’s girl takes active work. It involves dismantling the competitiveness and insecurities society has propelled onto us, which can be incredibly difficult when it comes to things we’ve been taught all our lives. 

If you’ve been so fortunate as to have primarily healthy female friendships all your life, you may think to yourself, “Well, I know a lot of girl’s girls, and I thought most girls were girl’s girls, so just how many aren’t?” You’ll be interested to find that someone calls a woman a ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ on X (formerly Twitter) almost 10,000 times per day, and half of those comments are from women, a 2016 Washington Post study stated. More interestingly, The Workplace Bullying Institute found women bully other women up to 80% of the time. And if it couldn’t get worse, a 2020 study by the United Nations found that about 90% of men AND women “hold some sort of bias against women, providing new clues to the invisible barriers women face in achieving equality, and a potential path forward to shattering the Glass Ceiling.” The truth is, the world needs a LOT more actual girl’s girls, not just performances.

It’s important for us as women to remember that being a girl’s girl extends far beyond just watching another girl’s drink at the bar. It’s in the way we speak to each other, the way we act with each other, and the way we stand up for one another. It’s in the way we stop ourselves from falling into sexist rhetoric, from using gender as an insult, from objectifying each other more than we applaud one another. Like the scene from Mean Girls, I’m sure we could all raise our hands and admit we’ve said things we regret about another girl. You’d think, though, that once we reach Ms. Norbury’s age at the latest, all the weird ‘girl-on-girl crime’ would just… fizzle out? 

In our 20s, it seems to just take on more forms. A random back-handed compliment from a friend here, an insulting up-and-down glance from a stranger there, A humiliation fetish disguised as a joke everywhere! Not to mention, it’s SO second-hand embarrassing for me and for everyone I tell afterward (Yes, I will absolutely gossip about the hurtful thing you said to me. It’s my way of coping). You should see the grimaces and furrowed brows that glide over everyone’s faces, the cringes and widened eyes that follow suit, and the “Um wtf!” texts that fly in like clockwork. If non-girl’s girls knew they came off this way, would they change their ways, like Regina George? Or would they still play victim, siding with misogynists, calling women hormonal b-words? I’d like to think they can still be saved.

If we support one another, uplift one another, and stand up for one another, it won’t only make us better people, but actually make us feel better, too. A study from the National Institute of Health states, “Friendships among women can provide critical social resources and promote overall wellness, feelings of self-worth, and empowerment. Findings from studies that examine these relationships among women indicate that the quality of friendship support is more important than the mere number. Supportive friendships, which are characterized by intimacy, nurturance, loyalty, and prosocial behaviors, are associated with heightened psychological and physical well-being.” 

Being a supportive girl’s girl is so important, especially in a world that has always been and still is against women. Uplifting other women creates a sense of community, which means we’ll have more people to hear us out and learn from in times of need. Hyping up our friends and strangers also shifts our mindset away from toxic comparison, because life is hard enough without mentally competing in a game no one actually wins. Plus, acts of kindness release feel-good hormones, so we’re not just being nice—we’re chemically hacking our own brains into happiness. At the end of the day, why make enemies out of the very people who could be your biggest allies?

“I love my husband, but it is nothing like a conversation with a woman who understands you. I grow so much from those conversations.” – Beyonce

Brenna Sheets is a graduate student in Emerson College’s Writing and Publishing M.A. program. Her hobbies include going on long walks, watching bad television, reading, and writing.