I was convinced I had everything under control in high school, and I even signed up for a debate on “How Media and Devices Shape the Youth.” And guess what? I argued passionately about how my phone helps us stay connected, learn faster, and express ourselves. And honestly, they do — but only if we know where to draw the line.
But looking back… I wasn’t defending this media and devices. I was defending my dependence on it. I was using “productivity” and “connection” as a mask to avoid admitting the truth: I couldn’t go ten minutes without checking my phone. That it gave me dopamine hits, I didn’t want to give up. That I needed it more than I wanted to admit.
For the longest time, I thought this addiction started in college, but the truth is, it’s been with me for years. I just didn’t realize it until now. You might wonder how I didn’t notice it back in high school. Well…I was wrapped up in my ego back then. My mom used to tell me I was addicted to my phone, but I would always brush it off. In my mind, as long as I kept my GPA high, it didn’t count as a real problem. And to be fair, I was pulling 90s, even while glued to my screen. So I thought, “How bad could it be?”
But then college hit, things changed. My grades slipped. My confidence collapsed. Suddenly, the tricks that used to work didn’t anymore. My ability to multitask, to study with distractions, to function while constantly checking notifications — it all failed me. And for the first time, I couldn’t deny it: this was an addiction.
I started to realize that my phone had become a coping mechanism. Any time I felt anxious, bored, lonely, or overwhelmed, I’d reach for it without thinking.
One thing I’ve really started to notice is how much my behavior has changed. I’m almost always in a bad mood. I barely have the will to do anything, even the basics. It’s like I’m constantly stuck in this fog, and I can’t shake it. I used to have drive, ideas, and things I wanted to get done. But now, even getting out of bed feels like a chore. Everything feels forced, like I’m running on empty.
It hasn’t just affected how I feel, it’s affected how I treat the people around me, too. My relationships with my family and friends have started to change, and not in a good way. I’ve become more impatient, more distant. I snap at people for no reason. I zone out when they’re talking to me. I’ve noticed myself getting irritated over the smallest things. I give short replies, ignore calls, and cancel plans. And the truth is, it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I don’t have it in me to care the way I used to. I’m so caught up in my own fatigue, my own scrolling, my own world on a screen, that I’ve started pushing people away without even realizing it.
The worst part of dependence is that you don’t know how to stop. And even when you do know, it still feels like you can’t. You feel trapped in your own habits, in your own head. And you keep hoping one day you’ll just snap out of it.
But change doesn’t come all at once. It starts with awareness. With honesty. With moments like this, you finally stop pretending everything’s fine and admit that something needs to shift.
And that’s where I am now. I don’t have it all figured out. But I’ve stopped lying to myself. I’ve started setting limits. Whether in the form of feeling guilty after every doomscroll, or setting a timer, or just acknowledging the limit. I’ve started trying, even if it’s messy and slow. Because at the end of the day, I still believe in who I can become. I still believe there’s a version of me out there who’s more present, more connected, not to a screen, but to life.
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By Marzia Seemat
Marzia Seemat is a sophomore at NYU studying civil engineering and creative writing. She loves being close to nature, especially at the beach. Her favorite things include good food, morning tea, hour-long movies, and spending time with the people she loves.
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