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Grandma Love

Tuesday, June 28th, 2011

Kay Thomas: A Living Legend

My grandma is an indestructible force to be reckoned with. She’s a 76-year-old Italian woman with a sailor’s mouth and bones that won’t break (she recently fell off of a ten foot tall gazebo that she was repairing and was completely fine.) At every family gathering, she sports a “Beer Pong Legend” t-shirt and is the first to get a game started. And after she found out I switched from fastfood junkie to health-conscious vegan, she went out of her way to ensure there was a separate section of veg food on the table whenever I visited. If the previous sentences don’t make it obvious enough, allow me to be clear: I love her dearly and can only hope that my 60s and 70s will be as entertaining and awesome as hers have been.

Anyway, last summer, she and my mother helped me move from my Upper East Side apartment to my 25th street abode. Unlike my old place, my new home was a four-floor walk up. It made getting my dresser, chair, bed, etc. up the non-air-conditioned building and into my room an exercise in patience. My mother and I complained with every step as we tested how much heat and weight a human body can stand before it gives out. While my mother and I struggled to bring up odds and ends, dismantling furniture in the hopes it would ease our climb, Gram was barely breaking a sweat. She probably did the same (if not more) work than my mother and I combined.

She also came prepared, having bought me cleaning supplies and a vacuum. Knowing that I am domestically challenged, she made sure to explain the different kinds of cleaners, and demonstrated how to use them. After we settled things as best we could, we realized it was midway through the afternoon, and everyone was starving. Though our hunger was present, our exhaustion dictated that if we were going to find a place to eat, we would need to go somewhere nearby. Hot, tired, and ready to devour the first edible thing we came across, three generations of Thomas family women trekked a block south to ‘Inoteca. It ended up being the perfect choice.

The majority of the menu was in Italian so my grandma impressed everyone with her bi-lingual skills. And our inability to decide on one item from the menu wasn’t a problem, as we were able to split several different dishes including some incredible bruschetta. Although ‘Inoteca isn’t the cheapest of places, you can use the coupon featured below to get a great discount.

When family visits, sharing a meal can be difficult if you have some picky eaters in your group. It’s nice to have a few go-to places that you can always suggest. And whenever you can use a student discount, you will probably get bonus points with your family. Not to mention, they may be more inclined to slip you a $20 when they depart, as Gram did before she and Mom headed back home.

-Alex Agahigian-

I have lots of other things to say

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Hookup Messes

Monday, June 27th, 2011

http://unrealitymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/serendipity.jpg

What is Hookup Culture? I know what a hookup is and I know what a culture is: of course, I’m a college kid. But put those two words together, and I’m lost. After a bit of research, I discovered it was our generation’s way of wasting time before they find someone to get into a serious relationship with.  It is when people meet, talk, and instantly become intimate—but only for the night. It ranges from kissing to going home with the person. I see this all the time at college, but I never thought it was anything new. People have been getting frisky before marriage since… always! Now however, with morals on the decline, men and women have began to rely on non-committal, spontaneous hookups to kill time and relieve loneliness with instant sexual gratification. But once again this is not new information. Most college students are well aware of this culture and take part in it one way or another. Ever been up and out in the morning and seen a girl walking in 6 inch heels and a party dress at 9 am? Laughing and making light of that image is what hookup culture is all about. And as a woman in college—surrounded by hookup culture and inevitably being a part of it—I don’t mean to sound like a third party uninvolved and like I have never woken up the morning after a night out hoping no one saw the escapades I took part in; believe me, I have. But just stopping to think about all the drama and turmoil hookups cause within ourselves makes me want to take a lot of mistakes back. The attention may feel nice in the moment—through sleepy eyes you drink in their words and smile—but when that night is over and you realize you never even got the chance to give them your number… so you knew they weren’t going to call… and you kind of were glad they wouldn’t… it leaves you feeling a bit empty. Not good or bad, just if no one saw the two of you leaving the bar, you could play if off (to yourself as well as to others) like it never happened. The point to stress is that it won’t make things better. Casual hookups are short lived. You may feel prettier and attractive during the night but what about if you see that person and you realize they only wanted you for a moment and weren’t thinking about you for the long run? You could end up feeling cheated out of a chance, or maybe that people think you’re cute enough to kiss but not enough to get to know. Never let it be easier to hookup with someone than it is to ask that person out on a date. Because after that sets into your train of thought, it’s a slippery slope of what boundaries you’ll allow to be pushed just to get that momentary satisfaction.

Before writing this article I was talking to a male friend of mine about the dating situation that goes on in his school and he told me, “there is no dating scene in our freshman class… everyone just drunkenly hooks up and act all embarrassed when they run into each other the next day.” So my advice for freshmen entering college, with a sea of new friends and potential hookups in front of them, it’s better to just take a step back and try to hold off on the locking of lips just yet. Get to know people, make friends and hang out first, be young and free and see if they are someone you would want to be that intimate with. Wait till someone thinks your worthy of taking out to dinner or even something more casual like coffee or karaoke with a group of friends at Karaoke Boho. Now that I’m a junior in college, not only have I seen the damage hookups can bring, but I’ve also seen how precious relationships can be when you give yourself a moment to just be alone and let love decide your actions rather than lust.  As my mother would say, “honey, you’ll never find a boyfriend if you’re kissing all his friends.”  Just be you, have a great time and make yourself a hot commodity that will only go with someone that you know is worth your kisses.

-Jackie Aqel

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Posted in Relationships | 2 Comments »

Craft Time

Sunday, June 26th, 2011

I wasn’t sure how my relationship with my sister would take to me leaving for college.  We didn’t have a bad relationship or anything, but five years apart can be a lot, and we were already pretty different (my sister is far chattier than I am).  I wondered if the distance might have us talking less, or if it might make us less close.

But it turned out that spending some time apart helped rather than hurt us.  Coming home for the summer, I went to my sister’s school band concert, where she had a brief trumpet solo, and listened to her talk excitedly about her science class. Instead of seeing her as merely my kid sister who was all up in my space all of the time, I started to see my sister as her own individual self.  This time around, I took her seriously, and we were able to really talk.

Not only have I started to understand her as her own person, but we’ve started to realize the little things that we have in common as well, one of which is a love for crafts.  We spent a couple hours last weekend sewing together little stuffed figures, and it was a simple and relaxing way to spend some time together.  From designing the toy (and its clothes, in my sister’s case) to passing scissors and felt and buttons, it was a comfortable and agreeable, if not wildly exciting, way to pass a Sunday afternoon.

Image credit: flickriver.com

Sewing as a pastime seems almost archaic now, but there’s something deeply satisfying about making something on your own, from start to finish.  And even if it is a simple, age-old activity, it can be fun when relatives come to visit.  My mother, grandmother and I used to sit at the kitchen table and do beadwork together whenever my grandmother came to stay.  We’d sometimes talk and joke, but making something with your hands also occupies the mind and takes off the pressure to converse, making silence quite comfortable.  It was okay to just focus on the beads we were stringing together.  There were times when we would hardly say a word, and yet we’d still feel at ease in each other’s company, and happily busy.  It was only when someone finished their project that we’d remark how well it came out, or how wonderful the colors looked together.  Although of course beadwork can be incredibly intricate, it can also be really simple and still look great, making it a delightful little project to do with others, regardless of skill level.

Art materials can run a little on the expensive side, but if you hit a good sale it’s absolutely worth it, especially since most materials keep for so long.  I have all sorts of leftover fabrics, and these can be used for small projects, or patched together for more unusual ones.  Even materials that seem unusable, like buttons that don’t match or the end of a spool of ribbon, can be put to good use in another piece.  For the figures we made this weekend, my sister used felt that we’d had for a few years, and I used the scraps that she was done with and two odd buttons.  Out of that, we were able to make something new.

Anais DiCroce

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New Age Breakup

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011

The click of a mouse and now everyone knows you are single!

Everyone in their life experiences that dreaded moment of breaking up with someone or being broken up with, yet in today’s world this process has become even more complicated. There was once a time when you simply ignored phone calls or forced yourself not to call that past love or mistake, but now a clean break is almost impossible because of social media as well as texting.  Nowadays it is common for an ex to be merely a text away and oddly enough your “friend” on facebook, which can easily and constantly remind a person about their past relationship because of mutual tagged photos.  This makes it all so hard to completely disconnect with a person and stunts the process of closure that is usually very necessary at the end of a relationship.  Texting and the hyper-connection of social media are all fine and dandy if you can handle remaining friends with an ex but for most people it’s usually a source of upset and drama.

The event of breaking up has become in many ways embarrassing because “everyone” knows about the failure of a relationship when a person’s facebook status changes from “In a Relationship” to “Single”. The worst part is people can comment on the situation and facebook friends can even “like” your entrance into singlehood.  Instead of a reassuring phone call or face-to-face talk explaining to friends what happened, many times texting replaces what I feel is essential to moving on, which is just talking about it, especially with close friends. The times have changed and people have changed too. It has become a social norm to be insensitive to others during a never easy experience and to make moving on so much harder than it really needs to be.  It’s for that very reason that I feel when changing your relationship status on facebook you should immediately delete the post after doing so or make it private, unless it’s something you’d like to share with your facebook friends. But for most part, the experience is quite the nuisance, so to avoid the possibility of hurting your own feelings or your ex’s it’s probably not the best idea to advertise your breakup. However, when the times comes that you’d like to make others aware you are single, make it public on your info page to get the point across.

Heated debate exists around whether or not it’s okay to remain friends with an ex on facebook, my feelings and advice depend on whether the break up was “bad” or not. Everyone is curious as to what their ex is up to after breaking up but it’s not healthy to be updated every passing second of your life! If you find yourself checking their page obsessively and notice it pretty much always leaves you with a feeling of discomfort then I suggest not being friends with your ex on facebook. To forget someone these days you need to delete him or her from your electronic life, cell contacts, as well as from your own biting reality. On the other hand, if you find yourself not caring about your ex’s life appearing on yours newsfeed then you can leave it alone.  It’s usually okay to stay facebook friends if the breakup was mutual and ended without hard feelings.  It can be nice to see how people grow and change by checking out their facebook profile. But let’s be realistic the majority of breakups are messy and emotional catastrophes, so it’s almost a guarantee that your facebook wall could end up looking like a battlefield of love.

It’s important to do what’s best for you in a time were your discovering life on your own, or preparing to successfully share it with someone new. Some say it’s harsh to delete a person representative of your past but here’s the truth: they broke up with you or you broke up with them already, which is as harsh as you can get, so why not take the extra step to make yourself feel better? You need to get away from it all but that doesn’t mean you have to book a super shuttle ride to the airport and hop on a plane. I’ve also been told that deleting an ex from your contacts is necessary because many people text their ex’s at emotionally unstable times causing confusion about the state of the relationship. Being happy is what matters most and if you can’t find happiness while constantly being reminded of your ex then you should make the change that is necessary to evolve on your own, and free yourself from that particular relationship. After all, there is so much more out there than the simulated life you “live” on facebook and so much more to say when you’re not constricted to 180 words or less by text.

-Anjelica LaFurno

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Veganism and Family

Monday, June 20th, 2011

You wish they'd support you in everything, but that doesn't always happen.

When I first told my parents I had turned vegan, they were surprisingly supportive. I was expecting them to yell, to tell me how bad it was for my health, and pretty much refuse to accommodate my new dietary restrictions whenever I visited. What I didn’t expect was how quickly their surprise faded as they acquiesced to my silly choices. They probably thought it was a fad, like the time I stopped eating seafood for a while because I thought it was wrong to take from our Mother Ocean. I was a weird kid.

I didn’t visit my parents often, but when I did, they seemed to be very considerate when preparing family dinners, always making sure that my share was separate. My mom would always dole out some sautéed vegetables on my plate before adding pork to the rest of the veggies. Then, one day when I was at home alone with my dad, he offered me some traditional soup made from seaweed, which isn’t as gross as it sounds for a Korean like me. As I ate, wholly innocently and suspecting nothing, I noticed it tasted kind of fishy.

“Dad,” I said, “is this a seafood broth or something?”

“What? Of course not,” he replied.

I still thought it tasted odd, but I believed him. That is, until I dipped my spoon in and pulled out the innards of a clam.

“DAD!”

“What? What?”

He said something ridiculous, like it must have fallen in by accident, but I knew he had simply taken some seafood soup they had made, picked all the clams out, and had just missed one. Of course, I couldn’t help but wonder if he had been doing sneaky things like that the whole time when my mom wasn’t looking.

When it came time for the New Year’s Day family gathering, we all went to my grandmother’s house for the traditional rice cake soup on the first day of the new year. When I sat at the table, I noticed that my bowl’s contents looked pretty milky, like everyone else’s did, like it had been cooked with bone marrow. I asked my mom about it, and my dad frustratedly interjected.

“Oh my god, just eat it!”

I felt my family’s patience waning. What they thought was a phase had become a new lifestyle, and they were finally coming to terms with accommodating me for the rest of their lives. They were not happy about it.

Despite the requisite compassion for living creatures, vegans have to develop a bit of a thick skin. Even if we never try to convince others to walk our path, people will take it upon themselves to attack beliefs that are different from theirs. It’s especially hurtful when such criticism comes from family, who we expect to support us. But like every other choice I made that my family initially thought was irrational, they eventually came around and accepted that I make my own decisions. My parents may never believe that veganism is sane or healthy like I want them to, but they still love me for who I am.

Even though… I still check the labels on anything my dad gives me.

Try dispelling some of their skepticism with Vegan Treats. It’s guaranteed to work better than a lecture. Scroll down for a dual coupon to Atlas Café, where all the desserts are deceptively vegan, and save the 20% Teany Café coupon for a cute and healthy teatime with your friends.

-Avia Dell’Oste.

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Everything I Learned in Life, I Learned From Gaming

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

If you don't stand in fire in game, why would you do it in real life?

After all the years of schooling, careful parenting, and going to (and dozing off in) church, it turns out that all of my life lessons ended up coming from video games. Aside from the usual “don’t stand in fire” and “turtles are jerks,” there have been more than a few jarring epiphanies leading to advice that helped me immensely in academics, work, and social life. Feeling skeptical?

1. If I want something done and done right, I have to do it myself.

I learned this while raiding in World of Warcraft (read: playing with 10-25 people at the same time to solve intricate battles). Sure, I had to trust my team and work as a cohesive group from week to week, but when it came to killing a rogue monster or fearing it away, I learned not to wait for someone else to do it while the leader yelled that we were going to die.

This advice has worked for me in real life, too. At a job, all of the employees work together toward a common goal, whether it’s customer service, meeting a deadline, or building something. But if it’s a choice between focusing on my job and letting something important in the office not get done, and taking a few minutes out of my time to ensure the continued smooth operation of the workplace, I tend to choose to take initiative for the good of the team as long as I’m not neglecting my own duties.

2. If I don’t work towards fulfilling dreams and life goals, I will eventually go crazy.

The original The Sims games were great, but when The Sims 2 introduced the aspirations system, it became a work of microcosmic genius. Fulfilling minor wants like kissing a significant other or gaining skills improved one’s mood, which in turn gave the extra boost required to do jobs well. What really spoke to me was the “Lifetime Want,” a life goal that, once achieved, would put a character in a perpetual good mood state for the rest of its virtual life.

And when a Sim went through day after day not fulfilling any of its desires, the poor thing would actually get depressed, sob randomly, and eventually have to see a shrink. It’s like the Sim is me! I could spend the rest of my life getting by with achieving minor wants, or I could set a (realistic) life goal and work towards a more lasting happiness. Oh the choices in the life a Sim… er… human.

Another thing I learned from The Sims was that ordering Chinese takeout and pizza is expensive and fattening, but that was a little less poignant. Be like a Sim and cook with your own groceries, and use the Campus Clipper coupon for Associated Supermarkets at the end of my post.

3. Some things are more important at certain times than other things.

Despite the confusing wording, this was a pretty harsh lesson for me. I used to sit at my computer playing games for so many hours a week, it was like a full-time job. Honestly, I still play a lot; it’s the hobby that I enjoy. But during the last couple years at my first university, video games were trumping every priority I previously had, including class, homework, and hanging out with the friends I used to see every week. It wasn’t until I dropped out of school and had to get a full-time job to support myself that I finally cut down on my gaming, because I didn’t have the money for it.

Above everything, the big lesson here was to manage my time. Now, I’m back in school, working part-time, and still playing video games a good deal, because I know that at certain points in the week/semester, assignments and exams will have priority, and at other times when I have a little room to slack off, I can hang out in my virtual world without guilt.

These “life lessons” may seem silly if one has already learned them from other, more traditional sources like parents and social interaction, but they are essentially the same, no matter what the source. It is a skill for people to be able to glean information from a variety of experiences and use it to grow. Whether someone is a gamer freak or a mountain climber, the world is waiting to be studied and learned from.

-Avia Dell’Oste.

Cross-posted to my blog RP Your Life!

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Avoiding Conflict at a Group Meal

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

Nothing is more obnoxious at dinner than getting attacked for your food choices.

No matter how proud you are about your healthy eating choices, there are always a few people with whom, even if they claim to be understanding and open-minded, you would just rather not get into a heated debate. Usually, they are the type to easily start said heated debates without realizing they raised their voices, and before you know it, you wish you hadn’t even brought up the topic of climate change/political efficacy/favorite color at all.

Though you may not be able to avoid every potential “friendly intellectual discussion” they want to have, there are a few ways to at least circumvent frustrating situations while eating out with friends. First, when collectively deciding where to go for dinner, it’s best not to throw out suggestions that are obviously specialty restaurants. Even if the name gives no hint, once the group arrives there and sees that the menu has absolutely no meat on it, your friends could feel tricked. Since you would like others to accommodate your food choices, try to think of their preferences too. If you are trying to avoid gluten, suggest a restaurant that you know has gluten-free options. If you are a vegan, throw out names of places that you know will have food you can eat but also has meat and vegetarian dishes.

Of course, after going through all of the motions of democracy, you might end up at a restaurant you have never been to and didn’t have time to research their menu. If there’s one thing that might set off your opinionated friends into an unsolicited rant, it’s watching you take fifteen minutes to order because you’re asking your server for comprehensive lists of ingredients. But you’ve been to restaurants before, and the menus for certain ethnic cuisines are practically the same citywide. Once you’ve researched one restaurant and found which dishes are safe, you can assume to a degree for other places with similar styles. A little research into pasta types will let you know which kinds have eggs, and looking up traditional recipes for Japanese foods will let you know where soy can be hiding. This can cut down on the number of questions to ask the server and avoid placing a focus on you. Great places to try for big groups are Indian restaurants with their diverse meat and vegetarian options and choices of rice or bread. Use a Campus Clipper coupon to get 15% off on a weekend when you bring 4 people or more at Cuisine of India!

Even if your friends are aware of your dietary choices, they may forget in their attempts to be generous and offer you a bite of their order. Rather than going into the reasons why you can’t share their meal, a simple “No thanks. I’m good.” will suffice. To avoid further insistence, either immediately return to your previous conversation and/or return their action by offering them some of your food. Keep the dialogue going so that it doesn’t linger too long on the table and its trappings.

When all else fails and someone decides s/he really wants to talk about why you don’t eat dairy in an opinionated and gregarious manner, let him/her go through the spiel. Chances are s/he just wants to voice opinions about it, and whether or not you respond matters less than getting the rant out of his/her system. Even if you aren’t in the mood to debate, other people might want to jump into the discussion, which will take the pressure off of you to be the sole interlocutor. If you are in a group setting, the rest of your party most likely wants the same thing you do: to hang out with friends while eating good food and having lively conversation with more laughs than speeches. If you’ve picked the right friends, they won’t let one person gang up on you or bring everyone else down.

-Avia Dell’Oste.

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How to Manage Your Time For… Gaming?

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

Can I go to class now, please?

PC gamers and console junkies alike can attest to not only the increasingly social nature of video games, but also the greater acceptance of gaming as a group activity since the first Xbox came with internet capability. While party games like Mario Kart were always popular and took advantage of the fact that people hanging out together required entertainment, classic and modern MMOs (massively multiplayer online games) like World of Warcraft and console games like Halo and Call of Duty call on people from all over the country and all walks of life to organize and play together. For college students, this means fitting gaming into a schedule, just like class or work, and keeping up with the demands of other players who might not be as busy, which can be difficult and frustrating. After all, no one wants to be left behind by his/her friends, even ones that are strictly online.

If you are getting into online gaming or have been gaming for years and are having trouble keeping up now that you’re in college, here are some tips to keep your head afloat in both work and play. Just like schoolwork, online game obligations can take up a lot of time, so it should be managed and incorporated into realistic schedules that don’t overlap with each other. For example, each semester, I look at my class schedule and syllabi and note which nights (or mornings, if you do your best work early in the day) that I know I will have something school-related to do, like weekly response papers that are due every Thursday and Calculus homework due every other Tuesday. Since it’s important to do assignments well and on time, Mondays and Wednesdays would be my days that I need a few hours just for studying.

Then I look at my gaming schedule. It might be weird to hear about someone having appointments for gaming, but when other players depend on you, it’s important to be on time for them like you’re on time for class (hopefully). If my clan/guild/group likes to play together from 9pm-12am on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I should make sure that whatever assignments I have to do on Wednesday gets done before 9. Many guilds on World of Warcraft raid in the middle of the week, so Sundays are great for doing all of the major assignments you know you won’t have time for on Tuesdays. Games that require load times or other periodic breaks are good for doing required reading though the frequent interruptions are less ideal for math or science problems or anything that requires an extended thought process.

When you’re having trouble managing your time because you procrastinate over deciding whether to play or write a paper, you may have to reassess your self-control. If doing work ahead of time isn’t a possibility because you don’t have the discipline, it might be a good idea to switch clans to one that plays only on the weekends, be involved with a smaller number of games, or play the games more casually, i.e. single-player instead of in a group. Despite wanting to prove to ourselves that we have the ability to do everything by sheer will power, it isn’t always realistic. Admitting one’s flaws and rearranging our schedules to account for procrastination is better than making idealistic plans and not getting the work done at all.

No matter how well you manage your time, finals week is always a difficult strain on your already packed schedule. But not everyone in your clan or guild is unemployed or a housewife, and it has always been my experience that when I take time off for finals, plenty of other players are doing the same, even guild leaders. Explain to them which days you will be missing and why. If it’s the kind of guild that requires 100% attendance, it isn’t a good fit for a student anyway since no matter how important your clan is, it’s not worth failing your classes for. Find a comfortable balance between your school and social gaming obligations, but always makes sure it tips a little to the school side.

And with all that time sitting at your computer or console, make sure to eat! Check out this awesome coupon for Whole Foods Market that lets you get all the ingredients for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for some sweet gaming fuel at a discount.

-Avia Dell’Oste.

Check out my blog RP Your Life!

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Going the Distance

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

People didn’t start leaving me until I went to college. All my life people stayed close by. My older siblings all stayed within a twenty-mile radius for college and when it came for my friends and I to apply to college, we didn’t dare look beyond the tri-state area.

When I first got to college I was ecstatic to find out that my new friends and newly acquired boyfriend all lived within an hour of our school. My family would come and visit on a weekly basis and many of my friends were just a subway stop away for me; everything was going great. That is, until sophomore year. Mallori, my best friend since I was 8 years old, decided to study abroad. She wanted to go to Ireland for an entire semester to be exposed to another culture.

“But what about your family, Mal?” I asked.

Really, what I was trying to say was “what about me?!” I personally didn’t have what it took to live in another country, let alone live outside New York, (I have what they call, “fear of leaving the island”) and to see her go was hard. That semester, instead of going down into the city to meet and go out at night, we had Skype and calling cards on hand for emergency girl talks.

When she came back, I thought I was in the clear. I had the summer going into junior year with everyone home to keep me company. But that summer as my boyfriend and I became closer, he let me in on a little secret; he had decided to study abroad in Brazil for spring semester. At first it was okay, we had a few months left together and when he left, we would make it work… I hoped. I mean, a friendship could easily survive separation, but a relationship? Even on the day his plane took off, I wasn’t sure we’d make it. And as the days went on, it only became harder and harder. I suddenly realized I had to act like a taken girl but I was always alone. I had the commitment, but none of the perks of a relationship. No handholding, no kisses, no napping together—no nothing. That semester I hardly went out. My mindset was to just get to class, get all my homework done and get to bed at a decent hour. My two roommates, who were both in relationships, would try to include me and keep me occupied, but it always ended up making me feel sourer. They were constantly pushing me to go out with them at night but it was a rare occasion when I actually did. I hated the end of the night too much. My roommates would all go to their boyfriends’ apartments and I would do a lonely walk back to our dorm room.  There were many nights I would be alone and cry in my bed listening to the commotion of students laughing and flirting and having the kind of night I had to wait four more months for.

But it got better.

One day it dawned on me that I was the one causing my own unhappiness and maybe this separation could be viewed as a good thing instead of a bad one. And with that revelation, everything changed. A whole new part of my life emerged. I began socializing and making friends with people I normally wouldn’t have time for, I met with teachers and excelled in class, I worked on my writing and made time for new hobbies and even got this internship at the Campus Clipper! I was happy and felt content with myself. I realized that there was no reason to fear leaving or being left behind. New York is an amazing city—no doubt about that—but if an opportunity came where I would have to leave, it would be okay to go. College pulls people physically apart from each other; but that doesn’t mean you have to become estranged from one another! Even if you aren’t a quick drive from each other, you are still just a call or an email away. When you really care and love people, a little distance is healthy and can make you value them more than you have before. Now that my boyfriend is home, our relationship is stronger then ever.  Our time with each other is precious but we make sure to make time for ourselves and other parts of our lives. It’s important to remember that if you’re far away from home or someone you’re close with leaves for a college that’s far away, remember that yes, the distance is hard, but they can always come and visit! You’re in New York City! They can come stay at the Blue Moon Hotel that’s right between Little Italy and SOHO and spend your days running around the city together (you couldn’t ask for a better excuse to do all the touristy stuff).  It’s important to feel grounded not by where you are but by what you do, and to remember that life always gets better if you give yourself the chance to grow.

Jackie Aqel

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Hello, I Love You, Won’t You Tell Me Your Name?

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Photo thanks to Ajaytheonly.blogspot.com

The French expression for falling in love translates to “falling into apples,” which I correlate to sweet, but painful. Dropping the “L” bomb is a bit of a sticky situation. There are the blurters, the stagers, the first daters, the long termers, the constant reminders, the special occasioners, the whisperers, the shout it from the roof topers, whatever you’re style, the tricky part is figuring out whether your beau shares your sentiments or not. If one of you feels it first, it’s not the end of the world, nor is it necessarily the end of the relationship, but if you have to get it out there here are some pointers for not overwhelming (or underwhelming) your significant other.

You’re Ready, They’re Not: You’re most likely in a terrified state, with a candy coat of bubbling excitement. Hold onto that, don’t let it fester and rot the roots of your courtship. If you’re certain that your beau isn’t in the same place, feel them out a bit. If you’ve been dating for more than four months, and they’re still a bit frigid toward the idea of professing statements of affection, it’s okay to say it as long as you preface the statement with something along the lines of, “You don’t have to say it back, I just need to tell you how I feel.” This will give them the out, relieving a little pressure. A wedge can be stuffed between you if you push the idea too much. I know, it’s taxing, but if you care about the person (well, you say you love them) you should be considerate of where they are in the relationship. Not everyone moves at the same pace. Maybe they need more time to get there, they mean serious business when they say it, or maybe they’ve been badly burned in the past. Sometimes the people who are reluctant to love are so because of a painful past.  Give them time. Don’t use breaking up as an ultimatum, because then you’re pushing them to leave you when they want to stay, or they’re saying something they don’t mean because they’re afraid to lose you. Granted, losing you may snap them into realizing something, but that’s not fair, that’s making the relationship a game.

Signs They’re Not Ready: You gaze at them lovingly, they look away. You make plans for the future; they make plans for dinner instead. Holding hands, even when you’re alone is a no-no. If you’re not in bed, there’s no affection. Take these as subtle hits, and to use the oh-so-popular phrase: maybe they’re just not that into you.

Signs They’re Ready: Take the situations above and reverse them.

They Said It, You Didn’t: You haven’t been together that long, this is your first date, or you’re just not feeling it, but you’re happy in the relationship so far. The first point should be that if you’re just in it to be in a relationship (you know who you are), that’s fine, but when the other person is serious about a long term commitment and you’re not, you need to let them know. It won’t get better, they won’t learn to feel less or make it more casual. Once they have the heart throb, it’s only going to end in pain, so don’t augment this by dangling a carrot in front of them. Remind them of how wonderful they are, how undeserving you are, and break it off nice and clean.

If you think that you may feel this way, just not yet, explain this to them. You can do this without being harsh. Explain your sentiments, but don’t give reasons for why you don’t love them yet. This can be used against you for the entirety of your relationship. Every fight will be about this, even if it’s masked as something else.

First Times That Don’t Count:

– After being intimate, during, or before. After you’ve already said it, go ahead and shout it at the top of your lungs (or whisper loudly if you have roommates), but don’t say it for the first time in while snuggling with your honey. 

– As a form of apology. If you’re in the middle of a fight, unless it’s due to a romantic comedy-esque misunderstanding, this kills the sentiment. If you did something to cause pain, grief, or anger, don’t pull the L-card to get yourself out of the dog house. This taints it, makes it jaded.

Saying it: Think about it this way: after the excitement, shock, what have you, of the sacred words, they’re going to tell their friends, especially the ladies. Do you really want them to have to explain that you said it to get out of trouble, or in an inappropriate moment? My personal recommendation is to say it when you feel it. It will mean that much more if you’re in the moment, not in some rehearsed set up. Sure, flowers and violins are nice, but they amp up the anxiety and create a sensation of false sentiments. This isn’t Hollywood. If you’re brushing you’re teeth together one morning, or they pick up a treat for you just because, and you feel a rushing sensation, tell them. You can tell when someone really means it when they’re in the moment.

Alternatives to Love: Neither of you is ready for the commitment that accompanies saying I love you, but you still have strong feelings for one another. Use these carefully, as they can irritate if the other person has said I Love You and you respond with a luke warm declaration.

-I adore you (see Stranger Than Fiction)

-I covet you

-You’re my happy thought

– I’m crazy about you

– I think you’re the greatest thing since the wheel (make up your own)

– I’m so glad you exist

Love is a wonderful thing, and once you get the words out you can say it almost whenever you want. There is also a sweetness to the period before you express this, a time when the tension of affection, of the unsaid words, is palpable and being together creates an electrical charge of potential energy. Savor the beginning, people, don’t push it. You’ll get to the next stage, but remember that you’ll never have a beginning with this person again, so quit chomping at the bit. If you’re going to say it, think carefully and tread cautiously.

Written by Ashley Teal, Campus Clipper Blogger

See my blog:  amteal.tumblr.com or twitter @amteal

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