Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

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Hello, I Love You, Won’t You Tell Me Your Name?

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Photo thanks to Ajaytheonly.blogspot.com

The French expression for falling in love translates to “falling into apples,” which I correlate to sweet, but painful. Dropping the “L” bomb is a bit of a sticky situation. There are the blurters, the stagers, the first daters, the long termers, the constant reminders, the special occasioners, the whisperers, the shout it from the roof topers, whatever you’re style, the tricky part is figuring out whether your beau shares your sentiments or not. If one of you feels it first, it’s not the end of the world, nor is it necessarily the end of the relationship, but if you have to get it out there here are some pointers for not overwhelming (or underwhelming) your significant other.

You’re Ready, They’re Not: You’re most likely in a terrified state, with a candy coat of bubbling excitement. Hold onto that, don’t let it fester and rot the roots of your courtship. If you’re certain that your beau isn’t in the same place, feel them out a bit. If you’ve been dating for more than four months, and they’re still a bit frigid toward the idea of professing statements of affection, it’s okay to say it as long as you preface the statement with something along the lines of, “You don’t have to say it back, I just need to tell you how I feel.” This will give them the out, relieving a little pressure. A wedge can be stuffed between you if you push the idea too much. I know, it’s taxing, but if you care about the person (well, you say you love them) you should be considerate of where they are in the relationship. Not everyone moves at the same pace. Maybe they need more time to get there, they mean serious business when they say it, or maybe they’ve been badly burned in the past. Sometimes the people who are reluctant to love are so because of a painful past.  Give them time. Don’t use breaking up as an ultimatum, because then you’re pushing them to leave you when they want to stay, or they’re saying something they don’t mean because they’re afraid to lose you. Granted, losing you may snap them into realizing something, but that’s not fair, that’s making the relationship a game.

Signs They’re Not Ready: You gaze at them lovingly, they look away. You make plans for the future; they make plans for dinner instead. Holding hands, even when you’re alone is a no-no. If you’re not in bed, there’s no affection. Take these as subtle hits, and to use the oh-so-popular phrase: maybe they’re just not that into you.

Signs They’re Ready: Take the situations above and reverse them.

They Said It, You Didn’t: You haven’t been together that long, this is your first date, or you’re just not feeling it, but you’re happy in the relationship so far. The first point should be that if you’re just in it to be in a relationship (you know who you are), that’s fine, but when the other person is serious about a long term commitment and you’re not, you need to let them know. It won’t get better, they won’t learn to feel less or make it more casual. Once they have the heart throb, it’s only going to end in pain, so don’t augment this by dangling a carrot in front of them. Remind them of how wonderful they are, how undeserving you are, and break it off nice and clean.

If you think that you may feel this way, just not yet, explain this to them. You can do this without being harsh. Explain your sentiments, but don’t give reasons for why you don’t love them yet. This can be used against you for the entirety of your relationship. Every fight will be about this, even if it’s masked as something else.

First Times That Don’t Count:

– After being intimate, during, or before. After you’ve already said it, go ahead and shout it at the top of your lungs (or whisper loudly if you have roommates), but don’t say it for the first time in while snuggling with your honey. 

– As a form of apology. If you’re in the middle of a fight, unless it’s due to a romantic comedy-esque misunderstanding, this kills the sentiment. If you did something to cause pain, grief, or anger, don’t pull the L-card to get yourself out of the dog house. This taints it, makes it jaded.

Saying it: Think about it this way: after the excitement, shock, what have you, of the sacred words, they’re going to tell their friends, especially the ladies. Do you really want them to have to explain that you said it to get out of trouble, or in an inappropriate moment? My personal recommendation is to say it when you feel it. It will mean that much more if you’re in the moment, not in some rehearsed set up. Sure, flowers and violins are nice, but they amp up the anxiety and create a sensation of false sentiments. This isn’t Hollywood. If you’re brushing you’re teeth together one morning, or they pick up a treat for you just because, and you feel a rushing sensation, tell them. You can tell when someone really means it when they’re in the moment.

Alternatives to Love: Neither of you is ready for the commitment that accompanies saying I love you, but you still have strong feelings for one another. Use these carefully, as they can irritate if the other person has said I Love You and you respond with a luke warm declaration.

-I adore you (see Stranger Than Fiction)

-I covet you

-You’re my happy thought

– I’m crazy about you

– I think you’re the greatest thing since the wheel (make up your own)

– I’m so glad you exist

Love is a wonderful thing, and once you get the words out you can say it almost whenever you want. There is also a sweetness to the period before you express this, a time when the tension of affection, of the unsaid words, is palpable and being together creates an electrical charge of potential energy. Savor the beginning, people, don’t push it. You’ll get to the next stage, but remember that you’ll never have a beginning with this person again, so quit chomping at the bit. If you’re going to say it, think carefully and tread cautiously.

Written by Ashley Teal, Campus Clipper Blogger

See my blog:  amteal.tumblr.com or twitter @amteal

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Late Night Creations

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

written by Sabina Ashbaugh

We always substitute an egg with two tablespoons of vanilla soymilk—a slight variation that leaves the dough runny and easier to mix with the cracked wooden spoon. The timer is set for 12 minutes, not 14 as the cookbook suggests, with a reminder at the six-minute mark to switch the top and bottom trays in the oven. Despite these careful discrepancies, accumulated over countless nights, our creations are never completely predictable. We speculate whether it might be the heat of the dimly lit kitchen, and that volatile summer breeze that seeps in through the windows and seems to soften the contours of the room.
Despite our many trials, my sister and I never fully plan our baking efforts, or even carefully measure out the ingredients of our amended recipes. The soymilk substitution, now a permanent step in the cookie making process, came from a late realization that the egg carton was deceptively empty. As if to support this impulsiveness, the planned desserts baked for family dinners—the pumpkin or apple pies, the blueberry cobblers, the cinnamon buns, the madeleines—are never as good as the spontaneous endeavors to satisfy late night cravings. The immediate satisfaction of these creations quickly assuaged the worries and anxieties amassed during school or work. Tasks divided and ingredients laid out, my sister and I get to work setting right the wrongs of the day.
It has been a year now since I moved away from home. Some months have flown by while others have painstakingly inched to a close, with pangs of homesickness and late night baking cravings that seemed to arise out of nowhere. Family, a concept that had seemed so natural and tangible just a year ago, has slowly been abstracted to stand for that sense of place so radically reconfigured after leaving for school. In times of stress, I often caught myself about to call the house with a confused plea of “What should I do?”
With distance I have come to realize how often I unintentionally underappreciated this form of support. I cringe at the thought that the ease and spontaneity of those nights spent baking are a lost bridge between my sister and I—treasured memories to look back on fondly but ones impossible to recapture. And yet the removal of this crutch has also forced me to examine how I will right the wrongs of the day in my own way—not by baking, but through the careers and choices that lie ahead.
Moving away is an exciting step towards independence and deciding how and what one wants to change in the world. In the midst of so many choices, the advice offered by family is a means of grounding oneself in times of transformation. Finding a niche in college involves exploring how one will contribute to society and improve the lives of others, but it also requires the recognition of the debt owed to those at home.
Growing up compels us to accept these recipes, relationships, and plans for future change. Family rituals become memories as traditions are re-made. It is important to maintain ties with those that helped us get where we are, and continue to want to see us succeed. Helping others starts by looking out for and appreciating those at home, and paying tribute to those left behind.

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The Melody Of Unexpected Rhythm

Friday, July 2nd, 2010

written by Angela M

Illustration By Tao Zao

I grew up on Disney and nightly walks with my Russian grandparents, sunflower seeds sticking to my fingers, old lady tales dripping from my ears like borscht. I was never told not to smile at a cute Asian boy, or to repress a casual wink at a dashing Spaniard.

Maybe I was never told to not do these things because: 1) I don’t smile often, and 2) I can barely wink. Regardless, there was never any objection to multicultural friendships. Romantically speaking, though, it was never really spoken about, perhaps because it was never really expected.
My first legitimate ounce of interest in the opposite sex could have something to do with my current situation.
I was in the first grade, and his name was Timothy. He was everything I wanted in a boy. He never spoke to me; he rarely, if ever, held the staircase door open for me; and he cheated on me. I don’t know whether it counts as cheating if we were never in a relationship, but my heart was temporarily in shambles. Did I mention that Timothy was Asian? Did I also mention that I’m white and Jewish and from Brooklyn?
At 22, and not a bit less romantic than my first grade self, I find my heart taken once again (this time, in a less make-believe type of way). I am in love with a writer who just so happens to be outside of my race. Raised Muslim but not practicing, my Indian love connects himself with the folk of Jackson Heights, Queens before anything else. To sum things up, not only am I dating a fellow who’s a hundred beautiful shades darker than my pastey self, but I am also dating someone outside of my borough.
We met at a house party. His band was playing, and I later on learned that he had asked our mutual friend to invite me, since he was too shy to do it himself. The night felt like something taken out of one of those typical teenage movies where the girl seems to be playing coy, not realizing what’s going on, and the guy is fumbling over every other word, crossing his fingers that he doesn’t look as dumb as he feels. It took me half the party to realize that I was falling heavy over someone who I had never expected to come across.
Surprisingly, my mother was more accepting of my new found love than some of my friends. When I say some, I really just mean one. My Jewish friend Rebecca* was stunned to realize that I was romantically involved with someone so far from my religion. I kept it secret from her for as long as I could, afraid of the very reaction that I got. She started telling me that being a Jew meant that I was part of the chosen ones, and how keeping religion alive in my family was imperative. Basically, she made me feel like the black sheep of the herd. A day after her attack, she apologized wholeheartedly and told me that I have her full support in any decision that I make in life. (I can only imagine how Rebecca’s reaction would have been if I had confessed that I was getting married!) Just to be clear, I consider myself Jewish more in terms of culture than practice. Echoing Keats, “Love is my religion.”
In a city where love has an astigmatism and hearts beat to their own bongo, interracial coupling is more common than ever. Every way my head turns, I see it: hands of different colors holding on to each other. It’s beautiful, really. And now, I am part of it. We grew up hearing different languages being spoken at home, eating foods synonymous to our cultures, but we were also scolded by our parents for leaving cookie crumbs in our beds, and watching too many T.V. shows instead of doing our homework. Plenty of people in college date people who they didn’t expect to be with. We aren’t really all that different, though. We both love literature and writing, we listen to the same type of music, and, obviously, we both enjoy a good house party.

*Name changed to protect privacy.

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Make New Friends and Keep the Old: Making Plans

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

Do you remember those two friends I talked about before?  The couple who recently got engaged, the guy in the Navy and the girl in college?  Well, now they’ll be farther away from each other than New York to New Jersey – try New Jersey to Washington…state, that is.  See, Navy Boy just finished his first two years of training, I guess it is, and after that comes his assignment.  In this case, he’s being sent to Washington State.  College Girl, on the other hand, is still in college, and will be for the next couple of years – not even taking grad school into consideration.  On the one hand, she could go with him.  However, for the Navy to pay for her housing Navy Boy needs to sign on for another six years – that’s a really long time.  College Girl would also have to go to school out there, and leave all of her family and friends behind for the foreseeable future.  Or, they can be separated for even longer.  It’s a tough choice, and I can’t honestly say which is better or what I would do, because their situation seems so extreme.  Navy Boy’s brothers are all in some sort of service; his younger brother is also in the Navy and is about to be shipped overseas, so I guess his family has adapted to these big changes and grown used to talking to each other over Skype only.

The reason I bring this up is because College Girl and I were recently making plans for next summer – like driving to Vegas once we’re both 21, or even just a day trip to DC when we both have the time.  These kinds of plans, though, can all fall through depending on where our lives bring us over the next year.  Like Navy Boy, just last June the thought was that he would go to Virginia…Washington is a lot farther away than Virginia.

There’s that Death Cab for Cutie song, “What Sarah Said.”  In it, Ben Gibbard sings, “And it came to me then that every plan / is a tiny prayer to father time.”  Now, okay, that song is about watching someone die, but those lyrics really work in any situation.  In two years, a year, none of us can really know where we’ll be no matter how many plans we make, or vacations we plan.  But we still make plans, hoping that despite everything else we’ll be able to meet up with so and so for this or that.  I’m not really one for change, but it happens every day regardless of my feelings or opinions.  So, College Girl and I will make our plans for trips across the country cause that’s what friends do, and Navy Boy and College Girl will make their plans to get married and talk every night, no matter where they are, because that’s what people who love each other do.  There you are, father time, a few more prayers to look over.

-Mary K

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The “Is it Worth It?” Test

Saturday, May 22nd, 2010

In his book, The Magic of Thinking Big, David Schwartz gives the following relationship advice:

Before you start getting upset and fighting about something, put the situation to the “is it worth it” test. In other words, is fighting/complaining/crying/bickering (whatever your relationship poison) worth the consequences? Is it worth the risk of creating bitterness and resentment? Is it worth the potential for hurt feelings and ruined moods on both ends?

Here are some examples:

– Your boyfriend forgot it was your mother’s birthday, and your first instinct is to make him feel guilty. Is it worth it?

– Your roommate used up all the toilet paper and forgot to renew the roll. You’re ready for battle. Is it worth it?

– Someone bumped into you on the train, and you’re already taking in a deep breath of air for all the curse words you’re about to unleash. Is it worth it?

You get the idea. I love this strategy because it’s so simple and so effective. Just asking yourself this question helps puts things in prospective and diffuses so much frustration. So much relationship tension exists because we overreact to insignificant things (and this holds true for ALL types of relationships). My sister, Kat, might snap at me because she’s had a rough day, I take it personally and get defensive. She gets even more upset. I get even MORE upset. And before you know, it we’ve both got our arms crossed and our bottom lips jutting out. (Story of our sisterhood).

Of course there are also times when this approach isn’t the right fit. For example, if you walk in on your girlfriend making out with a stranger. In that case, I’d say it’s almost definitely worth it to have a pretty serious chat. Stewing in silence even over small stuff is never a good choice, but the point of this advice is that if you can let something roll of your shoulders, do. We say so many things we don’t mean and do so much we later regret all because of a lousy mood or displaced frustration. In fact, I once read a theory that a lot of the world’s most brutal battles have been spurred by generals because of maddeningly severe tooth aches. Hey you, generals. Was it really worth it?

– Tania Luna

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Make new friends AND keep the old?

Monday, May 10th, 2010

I have these two friends, and they’ve been dating for seven years. A few months ago, they got engaged. I’m always surprised when I think about them because their relationship is so strong, and growing stronger, yet ever since high school ended they hardly ever see each other. The guy is currently in upstate New York with the Navy, and before that he was in the Midwest somewhere – Chicago, I think. The girl is in South Jersey for college, and understandably doesn’t get to visit him all that often. Regardless of all that, and despite their young age, they’re one of the most together couples I’ve ever known.

My question is: How do they make it work? Sure, it can be said that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but enough distance is equally as likely to make the heart forget what it loved about a person in the first place. I’ve been in New York for two years, and I find it extremely hard to keep up with my friends and family back in South Jersey.

I always find myself dividing my relationships up into two sections – New York and Home (because even though I have an apartment up here and live here, I will always think of my parents’ house as Home). It’s very rare that the two ever merge, though I often share stories of home to people up here and vice versa. When talking about friends, I say, “Oh, my best friend back home…” or, “You remember, I told you about her…she’s my best friend at school?” I never just use a person’s name, it’s always with some epithet – a way to keep everything separate and clear in my own mind.

Stories about home are getting less and less the more time I spend up here. I always find some excuse not to visit; oh, I’d come home this weekend but I don’t want to leave Sassy (my cat) alone and she doesn’t like travelling; dude, sorry I’m gonna miss your birthday but I have, like, a zillion tests I need to study for next week. I even missed my Aunt’s wedding because of school obligations and the hassle of travelling two hours on the New Jersey Turnpike.

What I want to know is how people who go away for college – or even if they don’t go away, but are too busy with new responsibilities to enjoy old fun – stay in touch and up to date with their pre-college lives. Is it really as hard as I feel it is, or is it like it is for my two engaged friends, meaning easy and natural?

-Mary K

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