Rapid Revival Restaurant Review: Bastard Burgers

Long time, no see! Although I know I promised I would do reviews more often, it turned out I was doing them without Campus Clipper approval, so I was arrested and spent several months in Sing Sing before escaping during the recent dust storm and blackmailing the staff into authorizing my reviews by holding their air conditioner hostage. But anyway, Bastard Burgers.

Bastard Burgers is a place where they serve burgers for bastards, so I may not be the right person to review it since as far as I know my parents were married when they had me. I did feel at home though, the place goes for an aesthetic of mostly metal and black paint like they never quite got out of the grunge era, and while I don’t actually know what grunge music sounds like I like how the word sounds when I say it.

Double Yankee Burger with Ziggy Fries and Bastard Sauce

I had the Double Yankee Burger with the Ziggy Fries and Bastard Sauce. The Double Yankee is the most “basic” burger they have because I’m a coward. It was extremely and unnaturally flat, like it had been placed in a hydraulic press and then sat on by an elephant before being served. It tasted pretty good though, so I can’t complain. The cheese tasted very cheesy, which you’d think would be normal for cheese but is actually quite rare. I normally hate zigzag fries, they seem way harder to make than normal fries and generally don’t taste any better. Unfortunately for me these were fantastic, they had a perfect ratio of crunch to squish and tasted incredible. The Bastard Sauce is purportedly an unholy combination if somewhere around twenty different ingredients, but to me it just tasted like tangier mayonnaise. Fortunately, I like mayonnaise.

Verdict: 7.6/10 bastard children

Try the Burger of the Month with this coupon!

By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

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