Posts Tagged ‘deep-seated feelings of inadequacy’

The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 8: Dessert

Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

The Covid Cooking Club

Chapter 8: Dessert

Chocolate Cake - Preppy Kitchen
The Cake is a Lie! And other sayings from 2008.

Dessert is the least important and therefore best part of any meal. A good dessert will make up for a meal full of bland “healthy” garbage, while a bad dessert won’t really affect anything because you can just choose to not eat it. Unfortunately, I have literally no dessert-related advice to give. I was told to outline my series of blog posts before writing them, and I chose dessert as the last topic because I think I’m much funnier than I actually am. The fact that I did not actually have anything to say on the subject escaped my mind until the last moment. I figured I could buy myself some time to experiment by creating a low-effort fake chapter for last week, but after doing that I forgot about it until right now. The only dessert I know how to make with any degree of competence is cake, and I can’t actually do that because I only have an oven. Also it tells you how to make it on the box. Honestly there’s no reason to even make dessert when you live right next to a Trader Joe’s. They have these great ripoff Tim-Tams with a complicated name that I can’t actually remember because they stopped selling them. That’s a good thing because I would absolutely have given myself diabetes if I had unlimited access to them. Honestly I’ll probably end up doing that anyway, but at least it’ll be name-brand.

Looking back on it, this was a pretty stupid idea for an article series. For one thing, I’m pretty sure I’ve only genuinely contributed two recipes anyone can’t find immediately online, and one of them was literally just “put some bread in a bun.” And for people to reach those recipes they would have to put up with my exaggerated obnoxious authorial personality, which is a feat few can manage. Actually, this entire column is counterproductive to the very idea of this website since you can’t even use the coupons for home cooking. Fortunately, Andrew Cuomo agrees with me and has decided to unilaterally end the lockdown starting Wednesday, which he apparently has the power to do or something? Anyway seeing at how masterfully he managed the nursing home situation I can guarantee that we’ll all be fine, which is why I’m switching over to restaurant reviews next week. Because let’s be honest, you don’t really want to cook, do you? (“You” here refers to a genericized reader and not you as a person. Don’t feel insulted. I love you.) Cooking is messy and takes time and you usually fail. Most people who cook that aren’t professional chefs only do it because they can’t afford to eat out. The rest do it because being unable to provide for yourself is one those embarrassing social qualities that causes reasonable people to look down on you, like not washing your hands or voting Republican. In my case I do it because it’s easier than resolving my crippling sense of inferiority towards my family by actually talking to them. I’d be shocked if even a single person used any of the advice I’ve given, and I’d be even more shocked if it actually helped them in any way. If you actually enjoyed reading these, I’d like to apologzie for tricking you into wasting your time.

You should still totally read my restaurant reviews though.

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

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