The Covid Cooking Club: Chapter 6: Sandwiches

The Covid Cooking Club

Chapter 6: Sandwiches

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A type of sandwich decidedly inferior to my great invention.

Sandwiches are pretty great, and I’m not just saying that because they’re the one food that probably appears in all the restaurants you can get coupons for from this blog. Invented by some lazy English guy who couldn’t be bothered to put down his playing cards while eating, the humble sandwich has become one of the most ubiquitous forms of food in the modern era given how easy it is to make and eat. The sandwich’s largest benefit—the ability to be consumed in motion— has fallen by the wayside for me now that I no longer need an excuse to not leave my room, but its one-handedness still makes it easy to eat while doing something else. The fact that it’s so pathetically simple to prepare also means that it may be the one food that doesn’t make me feel totally inadequate relative to the rest of my family when eating it. Sure, they still prepared the actual ingredients on a level far beyond my feeble mortal comprehension, but the actual sandwich was just that plus bread so I can at least pretend I don’t suck. Of course, I still manage to find a way to screw things up anyway. Bits of sandwich filling always seem to be falling out of the bread, partially because I always end up holding the sandwich at an angle since my attention is usually focused on robot models but also because I just stuff whatever in there without any regard for consistency. Banana and honey sandwich? Sure. Sliced sausage with leftover ketchup? Could be worse. Peanut butter and roast turkey? Better than you’d expect. Hummus and Bolognese sauce? Actually that last one was a terrible idea and I wish I could go back in time and punch myself in the face to stop it from ever existing, buy you get the picture. While I normally try (and fail) to follow existing recipes, sandwiches are the one domain where I can “fuck around and find out” to use the vernacular. In order to accommodate these structurally disastrous innovations, I have invented an entirely new type of food: the standwich. Take a bread roll, cut off one  of the sides, and then hollow out all the fluffy stuff to create a food-pocket. Since there’s only one point of exit for the filling, the standwich can “stand” at an angle (thus justifying my horrible pun) and prevent anything on the inside from falling out. This results in a sandwich that can take much more gravitational abuse than any other, allowing it to be eaten while you perform all sorts of one handed tasks that I will not name here. Truly, I am a culinary genius. Also please don’t google “meatbread”.
Shawarma is a sandwich!

By: Alexander Rose

Alexander Rose studies satire at NYU Gallatin and wishes he was actually just Oscar Wilde. He is interested in writing, roleplaying games, and procrastination. Describing himself in the third person like this makes him feel weird.

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