Posts Tagged ‘mind’

You’re Not a Mind Reader, and Neither Are Your Friends (Probably)

Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

In my last chapter, I talked about metaphors—now, I’d like to address the irony that lies in many of the processes tied to friendship-building. The greatest, and probably most obvious one is what I’ll call the “You Should Know That” phenomenon. This refers to the all-too-familiar thought process that we all have a tendency to fall into at some point during the friendship-making process, where we start to believe (and expect) that our friends are mind readers, who have the ability to deduce, without being told, everything we need and require of them.

In the early stages of friendship, we are not at risk of falling into this trap. In one of my Communication Studies courses this year, we went over “Uncertainty Reduction Theory”; the idea that at this point in the friendship formation process, the uncertainty in your relationship is at its peak height, and that the focus of all communication efforts is therefore placed on uncertainty reduction. You realize that you have to be explicit and clear about what you mean and need, and you never seem to run out of questions or anecdotes that may draw some piece of information or knowledge out of them that would help you get a better picture of who they are. 

Slowly (but surely), you get more comfortable around your friend, and start to (at times mistakenly) believe that there really isn’t that much you don’t know. Instead of asking them about every single detail of their life, you’re more focused on finding “natural flow”, and start to fill in the gaps of your knowledge about them with assumptions. These assumptions, whether positive or negative, will have a pretty big impact on the way in which your friendship evolved from there. 

In my own personal experience, assumptions such as these led to the deterioration of a friendship which might have otherwise survived. After a couple of weeks of meeting this friend, I had a whole list of assumptions, ready to soothe whatever uncertainties blatantly existed in our relationship; I assumed that when they didn’t respond to my greetings, they were probably listening to music very loud and didn’t want to be disturbed. I assumed that when they stopped telling me everything about their day and weekends, it meant they just needed a little space. I assumed that we were fine, doing good, and that they could see that I was just eager to get to know them better and all I needed was an indication from them that they wanted the same…and I was wrong. This whole time, I had been assuming that they knew what I was thinking, and that I had stopped approaching them as much because I had noticed (or perceived) a slight withdrawal, and taken that to mean that they wanted space. All the while, they had seen my sudden lack of questions and interest in their life as a form of judgement, of disdain and disinterest.

“[ C ] Francis Hyman Criss – Mind reader” by Cea. is licensed under CC BY 2.0

The hard-to-swallow truth is, you (probably) aren’t as good at “reading minds” as you think you are—even your friends’. It’s only natural to start letting assumptions rule your view of others, and it’s true that with a certain amount of time and friendship formation, some things can become more implicit than they previously were. However, it’s also important to remember that no matter how well or how long we get to know someone, we are never truly capable of seeing and understanding how they are feeling, at the very least not without communicating directly with them.

So what can you do? I guess the Golden Rule comes in handy here: treat others the way you want to be treated. It is important to learn to ask for what you need, and to make it clear to your friends that they can do the same with you. If you’re to build a long-lasting and fulfilling friendship, you both need to feel comfortable enough to tell each other how you really feel; you can do that by setting a standard for open and honest communication early in the relationship. Otherwise, you might be missing out on several friendships which you may assume failed out of an incompatibility between the two of you, and not the real, root cause:misunderstandings tied to a lack of clear, direct, and honest communication. 

Main Takeaways: 

  • As we get more comfortable around our friends, we stop relying on verbal communication as much and let our messages become more implicit—this can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and tense moments. 
  • It’s important to remember that feelings don’t always reflect reality;it’s important to talk to your friends about your feelings and learn to ask for the affirmation and confirmation you need from them. This will help you grow in your relationship and set the standard for an honest and long-lasting friendship.

By: Chiara Jurczak

Chiara Jurczak is a second-year student at Northeastern University where she is majoring in Political Science and Communication Studies. She is currently finding new ways to explore her passions for creative writing, publishing and political crises, and hoping to figure it all out sooner rather than later. In her free time, you can find her reading, baking, or trying to talk her friends into going on fun (and at times strange) adventures.


For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourages them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing, and services.  At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015.

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Loving Ourselves So Others Can Love Us Too

Friday, April 28th, 2017

You need to love yourself.

Love yourself so much to the point that your energy and your aura rejects anyone who doesn’t know your worth.

-Billy Chapata

Motivational speaker and author, Allison Fallon, discusses in this article some of the reasons that it is so important to love yourself before you can love another or accept love from another person. One of the many great points Fallon makes is explaining that although it is easy to think that we are being selfless by putting others first and forgetting about ourselves, truly, this is not selfless at all. By failing to make ourselves a priority, we are depending on others to support us, provide us with validation, and make us feel good, which is incredibly unhealthy.

Image Credit: http://allisonfallon.com

Image Credit: http://allisonfallon.com

If you feel like you’ve been in a rut, it may be beneficial to evaluate whether or not you’re giving yourself the love necessary to be truly satisfied. Without feeling the love you should have for yourself, it is more than challenging to properly love someone else or to fully experience love from someone else.

Further, once your mental health begins to improve, as you love yourself, your physical health will also improve. If you’re skeptical of this, Fallon says to think about your mind-body connection. In the same way that your body gets goose bumps when your mind tells it you are scared, it will physically improve when your mind sends a message of love to yourself. I must admit, until reading Fallon’s article, this had never really crossed my mind. However, once I thought about it, I realized that this makes complete sense. When we think a certain way, we also feel a certain way. This is the idea behind being nervous but telling yourself that you are excited instead, you begin to feel better and your palms stop sweating. It is one hundred percent mental. Your mind and body fit together perfectly and work together like pieces of a puzzle.

Image Credit: http://www.sojournpartners.com/creating-success-mind-body-connection/

Image Credit: http://www.sojournpartners.com/creating-success-mind-body-connection/

“When we are kind to our bodies, they are kind to us”-Allison Fallon

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Another thought is that as you begin to view yourself in a more positive light, others will naturally follow your lead. The positive vibe that you elude will make other people feel positively about you.

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Image Credit: http://allisonfallon.com/love-yourself/

Fallon also makes another great point: self-love can be totally free. We want to step away from the idea that loving ourselves means spending money on ourselves. As Fallon explains, loving yourself could just mean sleeping in once a week, taking a night off to stay in, exercising, or reading a book you’re interested in.

If that’s not a student deal, I don’t know what is! But what’s better, is that you can use your Campus Clipper booklet, or take a look at campusclipper.com to get a student discount on some self-lovin’ as well. That may not be as cheap as sleeping in, but a good discount on something you love is totally awesome! Give the below coupon a try and Happy Self-Loving!

Image Credit: campusclipper.com

Image Credit: campusclipper.com

By Chanelle Surphlis


Chanelle Surphlis is a Campus Clipper publishing intern, who is graduating from FIT this May. Passionate about giving back and pursuing volunteer opportunities, Chanelle aspires to work for a fashion or beauty company that includes philanthropy in its core values. If you like Chanelle’s writing, check out her blogs here and here. We have the most talented interns ever and we’re so proud of them! For over 20 years, the Campus Clipper has been offering awesome student discounts in NYC,  from the East Side to Greenwich Village. Along with inspiration, the company offers students a special coupon booklet and the Official Student Guide, which encourage them to discover new places in the city and save money on food, clothing and services.  

At the Campus Clipper, not only do we help our interns learn new skills, make money, and create wonderful e-books, we give them a platform to teach others. Check our website for more student savings and watch our YouTube video showing off some of New York City’s finest students during the Welcome Week of 2015. 

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