Posts Tagged ‘#ebook’

Navigating Through The Cold

Saturday, March 19th, 2022

On January 12, at 7:00 pm eastern time, I boarded a plane headed for London. After years of wishing on every star I could count that one day I would go back to my favorite city in the entire world, this was the moment my dreams would finally come true. Atleast, that’s what I thought. I stayed for just one week before coming back home, with a suitcase full of clothes I pictured would pair so perfectly alongside the twinkling streetlights of London. My experience was not picture perfect; it was the hardest week of my entire life.

Upon arriving, I couldn’t recognize the world around me. With that, it was hard to connect to anything at all. I fell completely into myself, I stopped eating, I wouldn’t go outside my dorm room to use the kitchen, I couldn’t even get up to open the curtains, because the sight of South London looked so beautiful from my window, and it made me sick with anger that I couldn’t enjoy any of it. I’ve always battled with anxiety ever since I started elementary school, but it was here, in the middle of London, where it felt like the entire world around me was falling apart. 

“Why don’t I feel happy?” I would ask myself. “Why am I so afraid?”. I met some amazing people and was able to explore a little bit, but that didn’t make me feel comfortable. Instead, it only fueled my anxiety even more, because I didn’t recognize the faces around me. Everywhere I looked it felt like there were more and more battles I would have to fight to gain even the slightest bit of comfort. All of the pain, anxiety and fear inside me finally erupted, and at 8:23 am one morning, I was presented with two choices. I could stick it out for the next four months and see if I felt better, or I could leave with her the following Wednesday and go back home. 

Thinking about staying felt terrifying, but thinking about leaving seemed even worse. What would everyone think when I came home? How many people would I let down who believed that I was finally ready to embark on such a trip? Was I going to be a complete failure for my entire life? These were the questions that echoed in my mind. It felt like either choice would make me feel miserable, but I knew deep down, I was not healthy enough to be overseas by myself. So, I packed up my things and left for Jackson, New Jersey. When I arrived home, I locked myself in my bedroom and wondered if I had just made the biggest mistake in my entire life. 

I like to compare myself to a shark; in order to stay alive, I have to keep moving, letting the cold saltwater of the ocean rush through my gills to give me the strength to move on, and if I stopped, I would die. And in this case, it felt like I did stop, and that I would die. I didn’t want to see my family, I didn’t want to call my friends, I couldn’t bear the mortifying ordeal of being known any longer. The only thing I felt I could do was write, and so I did. 

I took out my phone and typed away in a Google document. I wrote down all of the feelings and worries I was having just to put my mind at ease. This was the moment I felt truly connected to the world again. In this small, seemingly insignificant moment, where my tired eyes gazed at the dimly lit screen of my phone as my trembling thumbs furiously typed away at the keyboard, was where I felt whole again. And this feeling of pure astonishment and passion is what I am dedicating my book to. 

I want to use my story and connect it to writing, or other passion-filled projects, that give us the strength to continue forward. Moments of peril can sometimes unleash our greatest wisdom. Whether you feel you have no creativity, or you can only find inspiration in other peoples’ work, we will explore the fundamental ways of rerouting back to your own unique creative space, and channeling these worrying thoughts into works of art.

By: Alex Muniz

Alex Muniz is a Junior English Major at Pace University. She currently resides in Jackson, New Jersey where she works for Campus Clipper and Arts Management Magazine: Next Gen. Her ultimate goal is to publish a creative fiction novel and to work as a Scientific Journalist, primarily in cosmology and earth science.

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