First was move-in.
For me, it was the not-knowing of it all. I felt like the whole move-in process was something everybody understood except me, that there was a certain way to do things. I was worried about a wide assortment of things—will people be instructing me through it? What if I don’t have the correct documentation? What if my parents park our car in the wrong spot? The panicked thoughts that move-in brought were countless and utterly overwhelming.
Some context: I’m Autistic, but I only recently got tested and figured it out. When I started college I thought I just had this terrible case of social anxiety. Everything felt scary, from a conversation with a close friend to a room full of strangers. Interpersonal relationships have always been my biggest struggle—but at the same time, my biggest desire. Human beings are social creatures, after all. My relationships with other people are some of the most important aspects of my life. You can’t get through life without talking to people—they’re everywhere you look! I used to think that was a terrible thing, but I’ve come to realize it’s a beautiful part of life.
So while I was terrified to start college, I was also thrilled to open up this new part of my life and meet all these new people from different backgrounds.
And on that first day, I wasn’t the only one who felt at-a-loss about move-in. It’s freshman year; it’s new for everyone. Everybody is in the same boat. Even if I felt as though I were more clueless than most, that wasn’t necessarily the truth.
The thing about Freshman year of college is that everyone runs to make friends at the very start, desperately afraid of being alone, and oftentimes those groups fall apart quickly. During orientation, everyone was so nice it was almost ridiculous.
Then, it all died off. Friendships dwindled, people figured out who ‘worked’ for them and who didn’t—and it seemed I didn’t ‘work’ for the people I’d chosen that first week. I rushed into it like everyone else, afraid that if I didn’t instantaneously make friends upon arrival, I’d be alone forever—and I ended up alone anyways.
Not forever, though. Of course not forever.
I didn’t set foot in the dining hall until October.
There was a list of reasons why. They might seem completely irrational (and they are!), but to myself at the time these reasons summoned just enough anxiety for me to choose a different option for food—to the detriment of my bank account, might I add. There were too many people I didn’t know—unfamiliar faces, people whose thoughts I didn’t know. I didn’t know where anything was, so what if I walked into the wrong area? What if I didn’t know what to eat? What if there were no seats left and I didn’t have anywhere to sit? These tiny molehills of concerns felt like mountains to me, impossible to overcome.
Then I was invited to get dinner with a new friend. Someone I hardly knew, back then. Someone I got to know better by finally deciding today’s the day and agreeing to join them for dinner.
And, surprise! The dining hall was not the Hell-on-Earth I thought it would be. It was just, you know, the dining hall. A cafeteria. Like a bigger, slightly better version of what there was in high school. All it took was getting in there and going through the process of acquainting myself with new things. All it took was a push, a kind hand outreached. Sometimes, all you need to say is ‘yes.’
By: Meg Carey
Meg Carey is studying creative writing and publishing at Emerson College in Boston. They love reading and writing sci-fi, horror, and romance (bonus points if it’s all three), as well as poetry. You can find them on instagram @megcareywrites, and substack @megcarey.
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Tags: anxiety, college, college advice, college life