Before I had moved into college, when I first started talking to my future roommate Kathy, I had convinced myself I was straight. Yes, I knew I had thoughts in my head about women that most straight people wouldn’t have, but I just repressed them because I didn’t know many queer people in my life and didn’t know who to talk to for help.
When we were in our first lockdown from COVID, I had literally nothing to do other than think, watch movies, think again, maybe do a TikTok challenge, and then think some more. Basically, I had a lot of time to reflect on my years in high school and how I almost never had a real crush on any guys and why I really enjoyed watching the “Lay All Your Love On Me” scene from Mamma Mia!. But, like I said before, I just kept ignoring those thoughts and keeping them to myself. Until Kathy informed me that she was actually gay.
I didn’t immediately come out to her when she told me. I’m pretty sure I said something like “Cool! I’m straight though,” and then we started talking about the show Glee (which I should’ve just accepted the fact that I was gay at that point…what straight person goes through a Glee phase when they’re 14). Once Kathy came out to me, I decided I would accept the fact that I like women to myself, but I wasn’t ready to come out just yet.
I won’t lie, when I chose Pace University, I knew it had a positive LGBTQ+ community and that definitely helped a bit when making my decision. So knowing this, I experimented with the idea of being out on campus because I would be around new people and it wouldn’t really affect my home life. However, that changed one fateful night before me and all my high school friends were about to separate and start our new lives in our own schools. The five of us sat in my basement and somehow, one person came out and then suddenly everyone started coming out. Which may sound strange if you’re a straight person reading this, but this specific moment, I discovered later on, happens to a lot of queer kids and is what I refer to as a “canon queer event,” aka a rite of passage.
So, with this new sudden bravery I found from my high school friends, I texted Kathy that night like “hey! I’m actually bisexual!”. And thus began my year of accepting to myself and others that I think women are hot and I’m proud of it!
During my freshman year, almost all of the friends I made ended up being queer. My current roommate now is queer and it’s also what helped us bond! Freshman year was my first year out and it was scary but ultimately exciting.I don’t regret it one bit.
But then summer came and I was home and alone with my thoughts again. I still had never been in any relationship before, but I was talking to people on dating apps. Nothing ever happened with those dating apps though. I only ever found myself talking to guys for a week and then ultimately ghosting them for literally no reason at all. All I knew is that something felt wrong. Not wrong with the guys, but wrong with me.
Me and my roommate Nellie in stupid hats our sophomore year
So, I texted my new roommate (who is also still my current roommate), Nellie, and asked if they had any idea why my brain was like this. Nellie and I had only been friends for a little less than a year at this point, but they managed to help me when I was feeling my lowest. They were the first person I told when I discovered the “Lesbian Masterdoc” (a document discussing compulsive heterosexuality from queer women) and the first person that I said “I think I might be a lesbian” to. And if I’m being fully honest, without this friendship with them, I maybe never would have had the courage to accept it. Which may seem strange because if I had already come out as bisexual, then why is coming out as a lesbian any different? To which I will respond with, read the lesbian masterdoc and discover compulsive heterosexuality and how the strict gender roles within our society mess with the female mind. If I wrote all about that this blog would be the length of the bible.
Me my sophomore year at a Pride at Pace prom event
Coming into my sophomore year, I had the strength to come out properly because of Nellie and we even attended Pace’s pride club for students together. Then, by junior year, the two of us became president and vice president of the club! The club helped me finally become comfortable with my sexuality and eventually gave me the courage to come out to my family the next summer.
By junior year, I was writing paper after paper about what it means to be a lesbian and I found one of my passions when it comes to writing. None of this would have been possible without the friends I made at school and I will forever be grateful for them. If you’re an incoming freshman, and you’re not ready to come out, there is no pressure for you to do so. But I strongly recommend finding people that are a part of your community to give you a helping hand when it’s needed.
Me petting a dog at NYC Pride in 2022 wearing a lesbian flag cape
Summary:
- Before I met anyone from school, I was too scared to come out to anyone even myself
- Once I started talking to people who are also queer, I started to gain my confidence with my own sexuality
- I joined the pride club and moved in with my roommate who helped me find courage to come out
- Finding people within your community can help you out in the future
By Mia Ilie
Mia Ilie is a student at Pace University, graduating in May 2024 with a degree in Writing and Rhetoric and a focus on publishing. She grew up in Rockland, New York and is currently living in Westchester, New York where she attends school and works at a local bookstore. You can always find her with her nose in a book or screaming to Taylor Swift with her friends.
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