“Men and women can never be just friends.” It’s a message we’ve heard time and time again from pop culture. From the classic will-they-won’t-they dynamic of When Harry Met Sally to the heartbreak in My Best Friend’s Wedding, the suggestion is clear: platonic relationships between men and women are rare, unstable, or inevitably romantic, unless one is gay or already taken (and even that isn’t a guarantee).
Since I didn’t have male friends in high school, I decided to test this theory when I came to college. What I found was far more nuanced than Hollywood would have us believe.
As children, gender doesn’t matter much in friendships. Sure, some of us have “kindergarten boyfriends” or giggle over crushes, but there’s no real romantic intent. That all begins to change when puberty starts. Suddenly, there’s an invisible pressure surrounding every boy-girl interaction, especially if physical attraction is involved. Even when there’s no chemistry, platonic intimacy between men and women often carries social baggage. People expect something more. And that expectation complicates things.
Despite this, I believe men and women can be friends—even when there is or was attraction involved. Over my time in college, I’ve had both successful and failed friendships with men. The determining factor in every case has been maturity. Mutual respect, emotional self-awareness, and clear communication are essential. There’s no one-size-fits-all rule, because you can only control your own behavior, not how the other person feels or acts.
One of my first close male friends in college was Jack. We met in class and kept running into each other until casual conversations turned into a solid friendship. We had similar upbringings and a shared sense of humor. At first, I wasn’t sure how to navigate the friendship, and I wondered if he had ulterior motives or if I might be attracted to him. But over time, I realized we could genuinely enjoy each other’s company without anything romantic.
Jack became part of my friend group, and we even went on a group trip together that summer. But by junior year, tensions between him and others in our group escalated. Eventually, I was the only remaining tie between Jack and the rest of our circle.
I was torn. The conflict didn’t involve me directly, but I couldn’t ignore the emotional toll it was taking. I care deeply for my friends, and when they’re hurt or disrespected, I feel it too. Ultimately, I decided to create some distance between Jack and myself. That space brought clarity and peace. It’s important to recognize when a relationship is no longer mutual and nourishing (platonic or otherwise). You’re allowed to step away from connections that drain you.
Jack was my first real example of what platonic love between a man and a woman could look like. That experience helped me build fulfilling friendships later, like with Tyler, a barista I see regularly, and Brian, another friend from school.
Attraction can complicate things, but it doesn’t have to destroy the possibility of friendship. Sometimes it leads to a romantic relationship; other times, it fades or exists unreciprocated. If you sense romantic tension—yours or theirs—addressing it honestly is usually the healthiest path forward. It can be risky, especially if you have strong feelings, but clarity is better than emotional limbo. If your feelings are mild or unclear, it may be best to focus elsewhere and pay attention to how they interact with you.
If the other person is in a committed relationship, respecting that boundary is crucial. True friendship cannot thrive if it undermines someone else’s partnership.
In the end, friendships between men and women are possible, but they require maturity, honesty, and emotional intelligence from both parties. And like any meaningful relationship, they’re worth the effort.
By Logan O’Connor
Logan is a rising senior at NYU pursuing degrees in Journalism and Politics. She grew up on Long Island, but always dreamed of living in New York City. When she’s not in class or at her favorite local cafe, you can find her wandering the city (film camera in hand) or baking up a storm in her kitchen.
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Tags: college dating, college life, college women, Communication, friends in NYC, male friendships, relationships; values; escapism; family; friendship; communication; honesty; love; homesickness