When I was 15, I was in my first relationship. I was so fascinated with the idea of love, as everyone is at that age. I was caught up in the idea of him being my prince charming, and I found myself looking for him in every romantic lead in the movies. So much so, that I had ignored the reality of the relationship. And it wasn’t until I was about a year out of the relationship everything that had happened had sunk in.
Being in this relationship, I remember we would fight all the time. However, I found myself not picking fights only for attention but also for some sense that he still cared what happened to us. Instead, I was censoring myself and apologizing for things I had no reasons to apologize for for fear of starting a fight, precautions that would ultimately fail because we would fight anyway., I was always so scared of a fight because long periods of this all-consuming silence would follow, a silence that felt like death to me. I wouldn’t eat, had no interest in anything or spending time with anyone. I just wanted to sit by my phone, waiting for a response and a chalked-up apology. A fight is bad, but the silence after is the worst; because then you start to question if maybe the two of you would ever speak again. The silence is an easy break.
Sheri Stritof, author of, “ What Couples Should Know About the Silent Treatment” for verywellmind.com, writes, in summary, that silence can be well intentioned in some situations, as time to cool-off after a fight or allow room for the topic to be discussed at a later time when emotions aren’t as high. However, silence after a fight becomes harmful when it is being used to assert dominance over the other person in the relationship. It generates feelings of anxiety and frustration that their partner doesn’t even want to communicate to solve the issue.
And yet, fighting in relationships is inevitable. When two people are working together to make a relationship, of course there are going to be disagreements, hurt feelings, and necessary room for forgiveness. In fact, Elizabeth Plumptre author of, “Why It’s Good to Fight in a Relationship,” an article for verywellmind.com that details how fighting, to some extent, is healthy for a relationship. Plumptre discusses that when fights come about in relationships, it is important not to raise voices nor use accusatory language. That it is essential to listen and hold each other and ourselves accountable when in the wrong. Plumptre goes on to say that, in a way, fighting can not only strengthen the relationship but healthy fights can also remove the fear of a breakup after a fight or any other fears attached to fighting with your partner.
So, it takes some time to heal a mind that fears the end in every fight. That fear can even last for some time in a healthy relationship until you get used to a healthy or successful way of fighting, which Plumptre refers to, by listening to each other and understanding where they are coming from. In general, your partner’s reaction to a fight is the tell-tale answer to the question: will a fight be the end of us? Going along with what both Stritof and Plumptre discuss, using silence as leverage is ineffective and abusive in fights. And communication is what eases a chaotic mind in the midst of a fight. a fight will not be the end of the relationship, even if you need to take a minute to cool down. Discussing how you feel with your partner and what made you feel a certain way is a better way to have a fight.
Relationships aren’t going to be like the movies or how a 15-year-old me dreamed because the movies don’t show every aspect of a relationship within the limited run time.
And my 15-year-old self also enjoyed eating dumplings when watching any type of romantic comedy! So, take this coupon and get 15% off at Dumpling N’ Dips when you show your student ID!
By: Ashley Geiser
Ashley Geiser is a Junior studying English with a concentration in Creative Writing at Pace University. She is also the Editor-in-Chief and Co-President for Her Campus at Pace. She loves reading and editing. And when she is not reading or editing, she can be found baking in her kitchen.
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Tags: #fear, fighting, movies, Romantic Comedies, silence