Over the past six weeks of college, there is one truth I’ve come to realize: I am not the person I thought I was.
During orientation, I met someone—someone great. They are sweet, gentle, smart, funny, and self-aware. But, with each touch, whispered word, and boisterous laughter, I find myself stuck. I am halfway down the cliff and yet tethered to the top by a long painful rope. It extends and extends into my past, to the place I’ve struggled to reconcile for the better part of my adult life.
I wish to cut the rope and take the plunge, but I dangle. My hands tug and tug, but the tether won’t budge. Somehow, struggling only tightens it: each string that makes up the rope ties to a memory. Just touching one causes me to get tangled in my emotions. That is the deal with trauma; sometimes you get lost in the mix.
Now, I find myself in a constant struggle between where I am and where I want to be—a constant fight between letting the rope pull me farther and farther back into the past, or slowly letting each string weaken so their hold on me loosens and breaks altogether.
Unprocessed feelings can never really be suppressed. They will always find ways to pop up again. If we want to live the life we dream of, the key is letting go. We can not let the past hold us back.
- Recognize the need for support: when we feel persistent emotions like anxiety, panic, sadness, or fear, it is a clear sign that we need more support. We may also have trouble concentrating, have a desire to isolate, or have unexplained physical symptoms like chronic fatigue or headaches. Friends, family, partners, and especially therapists are great outlets that can help us ride the wave of our emotions, and find resolution within ourselves.
- Use strategies to break free from the past: Everyone has a strategy that works best for them. Journaling, mindfulness meditations, creative hobbies, boundaries, therapy (talk, EMDR, brain spotting, or otherwise), or just practicing self-compassion are all great ways to let go of the past.
Throughout my journey, I have gotten support through therapy, friends, family, and through all of the strategies listed. They have all helped me make sense of my truth amidst all the confusing feelings.
However, sometimes we cannot change because we are simply so stuck in the past that we don’t know how else to be. We feel as though life is happening to us; we are just a cog in the machine—a robot going through the machinations of life. How do we snap out of it?
When I was in my teens, I felt I was never truly conscious. I went to school. I dated. I made friends, but I was not deliberate with my life. Then, I stumbled across a podcast: The Self Healers Soundboard by The Holistic Psychologist. In the third episode titled: Chapter 2: The Conscious Self: Becoming Aware, Dr. Nicole LePera and Co-host Jenna Weakland describe different strategies to become more conscious. One of the practical tools Dr. Nicole LePera discusses is the “consciousness check-in.” A consciousness check-in is when we stop and observe our thoughts, our feelings, and our body. We can set an alarm on our phone for a certain time of day, to consistently check in and remind ourselves to be conscious of what we are thinking about and how we are feeling.
The podcast was extremely helpful for me as I put their wisdom to practice. My next step, however, was identifying my values. I value communication, honesty, and self-concordance. With these values in mind, and having achieved a higher level of awareness (than I previously had), I was able to live life more deliberately.
So, on this journey, when I am stuck between the past and where I want to be, I check in with myself and my values. I figure out my triggers and ride the wave of my emotions. One thing is for sure: I have to let the threads of my past slip away, so I can take on the here and now and finally be who I want to be.
Molly Peay is pursuing her BA in Writing, Literature, and Publishing from Emerson College in Boston. She is a transfer student who graduated from a JC with an English Associate’s Degree and a General Studies Associate with an emphasis in Culture and Communication. She is passionate about leadership, advocacy, writing, and sharing new voices through art.
Tags: Relationships; family; romance; letting go; the past; trauma; values; awareness; communication