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My mother has always told me to take care of myself; told me I had to look beautiful and dressed up in order to truly feel beautiful. My mother is the old fashion type that wears diamonds and red lipstick. She was a trend-setter in the 80s and wore the sparkles and electric blue dresses with no shame. My mother has never been cheap when it comes to beauty. My sisters have gotten their hair colored and straightened and perfected since middle school and I have been wearing makeup since I was 14. My mother always had the best intention for my sisters and I, but somehow in the middle, beauty became an unattainable dream. For me going through puberty, the worst years of ALL teenager’s lives, was like being told: “this is what beautiful is, and kid, you just don’t got it.” Instead I had acne and sudden stretch marks (fries and junk food were immediately cut after those appeared). I had self-consciousness that would control my life for the following 5 years. I would get facials and new clothes and my hair done and nails done all the time; but I still wasn’t happy. My mother did everything she could but no matter what I still felt ugly. The last straw came when a boy talking to me said, “she’s really hot but she’s got acne everywhere, you would know what that was like. She’s kind of like you.” That day I went home and told my mom I wanted to go on Accutane, the powerful prescription drug that eliminates acne from the inside out. It’s a pill you take everyday that has a side effects list that’s two pages long. I took the pill for six months and luckily only got the most common side effects of bloody noses, extreme chapped lips, and paper thin skin. I had to get blood tests done every month to make sure my liver wasn’t shutting down and to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. It was a very serious medicine and taking it was the biggest medical risk I’ve ever taken. Once I got off the medicine I was healthy and had flawless glowing skin. The only lasting side effects was my skin being drier and needing to be heavily moisturized (very manageable, no complains) and that I was still self conscious, only this time it was another issue. Instead of my skin being the problem it was my weight or my hair or my teeth. I realized rather quickly that no matter what I changed, I would never be happy. I was just unhappy. So the summer before going into college I decided that I was beautiful. As simple as that. I worked hard, people genuinely liked me and I was off to start a brand new life in college. I realized at that point in my life, I was the only one bringing me down. When the boy said that nasty comment to me years earlier, it should have registered in my brain that he was also saying something really mean about that other girl with acne. I realize now that that kid was just a jerk and just one of the reasons why high school is so hard (another reason being that nobody skips out on the awkward phase of teenage life and we’re all full of raging hormones and awkward conversation). He didn’t have to say anything at all but instead he hurt not one, but two people. You have to remember that high school isn’t meant to be enjoyed; it’s meant to be endured. And who you were then isn’t who you are now. You are stronger, smarter and better than you ever were back then. The most important lesson I learned going into college was to leave your troubles behind you, leave all those nasty remarks and all those negative feelings of self doubt behind because its not only that you have to look good to feel good, its actually more that you have to feel good to look good.
-Jackie Aqel
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