When I was fifteen, my mom told me one of the most horrific things: Sometimes, you need to hit rock bottom before you can leave a relationship. Unfortunately, she was right. I stayed with my partner longer than I should have and allowed more than was right. A year later, I left.
Hitting rock bottom is something I never wanted to do; but, I waited, ignoring all the signs that said to leave until I couldn’t anymore. When people ask me why I stayed so long, I try to think of the simplest answer. Sometimes I respond with: “Well, I thought he’d change.” Other times I think about the good moments that made it so hard to leave in the first place: the kisses, the promises, the laughter.
Good moments are necessary in relationships, but in a toxic one, they are a tether—the shackles that keep you compliant. I dwelled on those good moments. I soaked up his promises. I basked in his laughter… I still remember my fifteenth birthday. The surprise parties (yes, two!) he planned; the ice cream cake he bought, which had no cake in it; and the scavenger hunt for presents. Those memories are still deeply planted in me five years later. Now that time has moved on, though, I don’t remember as many good memories between us. What I do remember, however, is the crying, arguing, and constant confusion.
It isn’t healthy to wait until rock bottom. We endure more than we should, and we are likely to feel the effects even years later. So, how do we stop ignoring the signs of all our toxic relationships and finally let them go?
Sometimes the signs are clear: emotional disconnect, unhappiness, loss of trust, lack of respect, inability to communicate, different values or life goals, inability to grow, or just an innate sense of knowing. Other times, the signs are more complex, such as constant confusion, repulsion, or other physical symptoms.
It is hard to broach these topics, to look at the people we care about and know that we should go our separate ways. It takes courage. So, how do we take those steps?
- Admitting that something isn’t working in the relationship.
- Acknowledging that we’d like to let the relationship go.
- Understanding fear is natural: it’s okay to be scared, but we can’t let fear inhibit us from moving forward.
- Shifting focus: instead of focusing on the good moments we may be losing, focus on the good that is to come.
- Planning: it is always good to have a clear plan about how we want to communicate with the other person. A good place to start is to reflect on personal values. Do you value honesty? Do you value communication? Also, is it safe to communicate the truth or at all? All of these components should help you reflect on the best path forward.
- Seek support: talk with people who care about you. This can be friends, family, a partner, or a therapist. Overall, sharing your feelings and concerns can help make you feel less alone and add the necessary support needed to take the next steps.
- Practicing self-care: take care of your health—physical and mental. Through emotional upheaval, your body may be more tired or hungry; be sure to fuel your body appropriately and be compassionate with yourself.
- Communicate: the biggest step to take is to let the other person know your decision. As mentioned, reflecting on personal values can help stitch together a good plan. Communication can be hard, so be patient with yourself.
It is normal and difficult to leave relationships when they don’t fit anymore. I was young when I entered into my aforementioned relationship. Maybe this impacted my staying—him being my first love and high school sweetheart. It was incredibly difficult to leave; but, at the end of the day, I knew when it was time to go.
Now, he is just another person in my story, and I am just another person in his; we are both better for it. He is dating someone new and accomplishing his dreams. And I am bolder, freer, brighter. I lift up my arms and embrace this new city with the love of a child coming home—becoming the person I wanted to be all along. Letting go takes courage, but it is definitely worth it.
Molly Peay is pursuing her BA in Writing, Literature, and Publishing from Emerson College in Boston. She is a transfer student who graduated from a JC with an English Associate’s Degree and a General Studies Associate with an emphasis in Culture and Communication. She is passionate about leadership, advocacy, writing, and sharing new voices through art.
Tags: Relationships; family; romance; letting go; holding on; values