Is it where I am meant to go, or am I running away?

Three thousand miles away, and my ghosts still haunt me. Why? I am no longer surrounded by the known and discovered places of my youth: the place on his chest, the coffee shop I tried not to cry in, the kitchen resounding with yelling or deafening silence. It has all changed, and yet nothing has.

For years, I thought leaving my hometown meant my past would be shed like a too-tight sweater. But instead, I yank at the collar, trying to breathe. I stretch the sleeves and tear holes with shaking fingers. I try and try to take it off. I even cover it with new clothes, but nothing fits, and it hurts too much. 

Why won’t it come off? Why can’t I leave it all behind? Why has distance done nothing but muffle the sounds of my pain? And why do I want to escape in the first place? 

My flight from LA to Boston!

Escapism is often a means to evade difficult emotions or feelings. When life is hard, it is easier to dive into the next TV show, delve into imagined worlds, and drown out the noise with blaring music. But does anything change? 

According to an article by Welldoing titled “Why Escapism Can Be Harmful,” escapism “prevents us from doing what we want to do to improve” our circumstances. By focusing on leaving my hometown, I, in turn, chose not to change or let go of my relationships. Now, I realize I am still held in the grip of my past. 

How do we recognize when we want to escape? 

1. Check in with yourself. Are emotions coming up that you want to ignore? Do you imagine your friend or partner as an idealized version of themselves instead of telling them what is wrong? 

2. Recognize when you have the urge to escape. Why are you gravitating towards binge-watching a TV show, maladaptive daydreaming, or scrolling through social media? It may not always be due to a negative occurrence, but it’s important to make sure. 

My first time visiting Boston!

My unresolved feelings regarding my past beg the question: did I leave because Boston was where I wanted to go or because I was running away from my past? Either way, I am here. My past is not going away. And somehow, in some way, it is time to make peace with it. 

Moving can be stressful. So, don’t forget to prioritze your mental and physical wellness! Boston students get 10% off at Cambridge Naturals with student ID!

Molly Peay is pursuing her BA in Writing, Literature, and Publishing from Emerson College in Boston. She is a transfer student who graduated from a JC with an English Associate’s Degree and a General Studies Associate with an emphasis in Culture and Communication. She is passionate about leadership, advocacy, writing, and sharing new voices through art.

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