It’s no thought that high school consists of painful memories that include rude boys. Back then, I would often receive snarky comments about how skinny I was or about my short fragile hair. However, looking back, I was thankful that my dating fate did not consist of rude losers who only dated girls for their bodies because believe me, that was the sad image of my high school.
Fast forward to college and I feel much more confident in my looks. I’ve started wearing my natural hair more and I look delightful all on a budget. I even started gaining weight but in the right areas. Going into college, I wanted to experience a real relationship and not some hookup or temporary fling. I never had a boyfriend so I felt that college was an amazing opportunity to act on that desire considering everyone is older and much more mature.
When I actually got to college, though, I obviously found that this wasn’t the case. Many guys had immature personalities or just sought sex. I can’t act surprised because college is notorious for its hook-up culture especially in this day in age where Tinder dominates everything. However, I was still disappointed by the lack of charm these guys had. One guy I could have sworn liked me showed all the signs just to give up on me after three weeks. Usually when I like a person, I fantasize about my future with them just like a mad girl. But, this time I had the guts to actually talk to the guy, so when he showed signs of interest back, those fantasies continued to spur even if nothing was actually confirmed. So when I found out that his interest was no more, the rejection also struck my self-confidence a bit. Was I not pretty enough? When would my first relationship start? It sucked not experiencing the moments that many teenagers had already gone through.
I began to even ponder the fact that it must have had to be that I am a black woman. Black girls, especially those in darker skin tones, are less likely to marry, find dates, and are even viewed as the most unattractive compared to women of other races. So finding love with men of many cultures/races as a black woman in a predominantly white college is slim. On top of that, thinking about not having my first boyfriend did have me feeling like a loser at times. However, this mentality and the sting of rejection was only momentary. I try not to let negativity or any person consume my joy. I always end up loving myself the next day and consider myself the beauty that got away–his loss. I crazily appreciate my looks and intelligence, but definitely my fun personality because it undeniably me. Knowing how quickly I got over a dumb crush makes me hopeful that I will be strong for my first, but hopefully nonexistent heartbreak. I do still fantasize about my future husband and I do get a bit jealous when I see couples happily holding hands in Washington Square Park. I want that joy, but I will wait for it when the right time comes up. In the meantime, I have myself to love unconditionally and permanently.
Image Credit: http://www.rateddramaiseya.com/rateddwomen-1/2016/2/10/lonely-love
By Tiana B.
Tiana is a sophomore at NYU concentrating on journalism and creative writing. She seeks to display the representation of African Americans and Latinos by providing her own experiences and illuminating marginalized issues in her own writing. When she’s free from her stressful college life, she likes to listen to rap music, binge watch on anime, splurge on Kmart deals, and cook her Hispanic cuisines. Tiana also runs another blog called True T which also highlights not only her personal experiences, but her genuine and unfiltered opinions on today’s matters.
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