It is an understatement and perhaps an overused phrase that we, as humans, are afraid of change. It is true that some biological instinct makes change hard. Our bodies dislike it. Our brains don’t know how to move past what we already know. Something new can easily teeter between exciting or anxiety-inducing.
When I moved from L.A. to finish my degree in Boston, I expected a lot of change. I did not, however, anticipate escapism to knock on my door; I thought it was something intrinsic to my hometown. So, why did it follow me three thousand miles to Boston?
As I made many wonderful new friends, something in me revolted. My brain cried: There is something off! There is something not right here! Bad energy! Even now, something angers me or annoys me, and my brain tells me: Turn away; let it go; move past this.
I have come to realize that while in some instances my anger or annoyance is a logical consequence of the situation, other times it is simply a form of escapism—an avoidant attachment and a desire not to deal with the hard stuff—and homesickness.
Escapism:
Recently, a friend of mine and I fell into the wonderful trope of miscommunication or, rather, misinterpretation. I felt almost irrationally angry. My anger was like a beacon to escapism—the need to push him away and avoid the situation arising swiftly. It would not subside.
I walked into my dorm that night and asked my friend (also my roommate) if I could rant about it. They told me to give them a second because they needed to finish an assignment first. Their pause gave me pause as well. At that moment, I self-reflected and remembered my values. I realized: I am an adult, and I can and need to communicate. So, I texted my friend, and thirty minutes later we sat down and talked, and now our relationship is back to normal.
Homesickness:
I never thought I was one to be homesick. When I hear the word I call to mind crying in bed and a staunching loneliness that blurs out the rest of the world. I forget, sometimes, that there are shades of gray.
When I talk to my friends here, I look for traces of the people I love from back home. I look for their smile, laughter, the little quirks that make me feel at ease—at home within a person. When I don’t find it, I feel sick. I feel angry. I feel like there is something wrong. My instinct is to pull away.
In reality, I am just missing the people I love the most. And it is in those times I want to pull away that I must ground myself in my values, my wants, and my needs; I value love, I want to be friends with all these wonderful people I meet, and I need to be present to be happy. (And maybe, it is time to call those people I miss so dearly).
Values:
We all like to put our best foot forward. Tell people we don’t yell, aren’t passive-aggressive, and can communicate. Then, it comes to these circumstances, when the anger actually shows up, and it all falls apart.
By identifying our values, by living in the present moment, we can stop ourselves from acting on those emotions. For example, I value honesty, communication, and love. (I have chosen three values, so as not to overcomplicate my life—to minimize conflicts). In anger, I wanted to push my friend away. But with the pause, I realized that that was not what I wanted. Just what my emotions wanted.
The more we live off our values, the easier it becomes. Now, when I have anger and it is time to communicate, I do not fall into its traps. I do not raise my voice, yell, or act passive-aggressive. Instead, I am honest—kindly, not brutally—and I set boundaries. If someone calls or does something where I feel my anger rise to a point of no control, I ask myself to pause. I re-evaluate. I calm down. Because at the end of the day, relationships matter most to me. And I must show up every day with that in mind and remember what is more important to me: my anger, or my friend and our relationship?
Choosing Personal Values:
Choosing our values can be as easy as just asking ourselves: “What do we value?” Other times, it is a more prolonged journey. To make it simpler, and cut down the time to identify our values we can self-reflect through journaling or meditation.
Some Journal prompts to identify personal values include:
- Who are the people you admire most? Why? What qualities do they have that you wish to emulate?
- What things make you feel jealous?
- What things make you feel angry? (E.g. I feel angry when I feel something is unfair, which means I value fairness, which I place under the category of love).
- When were some of the times you felt most yourself? Most aligned with your higher purpose?
- When are the moments you felt regret? What would you have done differently to live with no regret? (The quality you identify that would remove the regret from the situation, may be a personal value).
Ultimate Fulfillment:
I am not scared of death. That is not to say, I look forward to my death day; I quite enjoy life. I am not scared because I find fulfillment in my everyday life. By identifying my values, I can live every day with a purpose, and feel fulfilled.
I value honesty and communication, so I never let my anger burn to resentment. I say how I feel and trust that what and who is meant for me will not turn away.
I value love, so I call my friends. I send my best friend letters filled with doodles and my innermost thoughts. I ask my friends to go get dinner and hear about their day. I go to the park and appreciate the beauty of the world, so filled with love if you choose to see it: in the couple holding hands, the turkey cuddled up by a tree, the squirrels bounding across the grass, the friends giggling, the moon shining bright in the sky, and you, watching it all.
With values, we can never live a life of regret. Instead, we live a life of ultimate fulfillment.
Molly Peay is pursuing her BA in Writing, Literature, and Publishing from Emerson College in Boston. She is a transfer student who graduated from a JC with an English Associate’s Degree and a General Studies Associate with an emphasis in Culture and Communication. She is passionate about leadership, advocacy, writing, and sharing new voices through art.
Tags: relationships; values; escapism; family; friendship; communication; honesty; love; homesickness